It’s that time of the year when you are forced to give ten quid presents to your work colleagues, people you spend more of your life with than your dearly beloved.
So you should know them pretty well, right?
Here’s a run-down of what your Secret Santa gifts really mean. Choose wisely.
A Helen Flanagan calendar
I’m not saying I’ve perused this present already, but you’re right to feel a bit unwell upon the realization it comes to you unsealed and somewhat thumbed through.
A Tom Daley calendar
I see my main job here to make you feel uncomfortable in front of your professional peers. *big cheer*
A Cliff Richard calendar
You could be anyone, really. Anyone.
You are not remotely attractive to me, or anyone and we all secretly have a good old LOL about the idea of you trying to hump the chick on reception at the office Christmas party. Also, TOTALLY WEIRDLY considering what’s gone above, I think about you sexually. Also, I may well have had a sex dream about you and woke up feeling a bit funny. BTW, I got the underwear in extra small. *LOLS face right off* *gets pissed* *gently weeps*
You work here, right?
I respect the fact you are an efficient, hard working member of staff and I would like you to know that I have thought about that deeply so that you will help me out in the new year when I’m too drunk to type my own name on a Friday AM. Also, you are a total fun free zone. Happy Christmas!
I’ve seen the way you chomp through the tubberware spoils at lunch. Tuck in, blubber guts.
Travel size Connect4. Brilliant! Hold on to this one and you can continue the Secret Santa hand me downs game next year.
I am completely in love with you and have spent the last 12 months pining, when I should have been doing work.
Shit from Boots
I have given zero thought to you as a human being with feelings. The upside: I got 2 for 3 on this shit from Boots, so I can palm the rest of it off to others I also can’t imagine as human beings with feelings.
A Christmas jumper
Primark. Tenner. Done. Now, where’s the train marked ‘Booze’ parked so I can get on it?
Justin Bieber merchandise
I get a secret thrill from buying goods usually reserved for the 11 – 15 year old female demographic. “It’s for Secret Santa,” I declare to the checkout person in Clinton Cards, who didn't ask.
Breaking Bad Series Five
Keep up, granddad.
The Arctic Monkeys record
You too, Uncle Old Fart.
I am hiding outrageously intense feelings behind an iTunes gift token.
You are the type of person who likes ‘fizz’.
A ‘Keep calm and drink champagne…’ tea towel
I think about you primarily in terms of being the office homosexual. Or primarily in terms of being the office middle aged lady who enjoys the company of homosexuals. You both like ‘fizz’.
A Cath Kidston Christmas mug
I find your taste appalling. PS: Marry me.
A Swiss army knife
I think of you as emasculated and childlike. Also, my nan gave me this four years ago for Christmas and I found it lying under the bed last night. Winner.
You trendy twat.