The Alternative Sports Personality Of The Year Awards

Our marginally less predictable version of the BBC's 2013 review

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It’s that time of year when the BBC puts Gary Lineker, Sue Barker and Clare Balding in a giant warehouse full of sportspeople you vaguely recognize but can’t quite put a name to. Yes it can only be the over-earnest and bucket-fillingly sycophantic love-in that is this Sunday night’s Sports Personality of the Year.

In tribute, here’s an alternative look back at some of the less salubrious commendations of 2013:

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The Late Night Departure Lounge Social Media Meltdown award
Lee Westwood’s post-US PGA Twitter binge in response to critics who said he’d bottled another major.
Sample Tweet: ‘Come on you girly boy trolls! I’ve only won just over 2 mill on course this year! Need you to keep me entertained a bit longer than this!’

The Geoffrey Boycott Say What I Bloody Well Think Award
Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Sample Quote: "One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch so it is not worthwhile to wait for the World Cup.”

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The Joey Barton Ill-judged Facial Hair Experiment of the Year
Mark Lawrenson’s infamous MOTD goatee. He’s going for Robert De Niro in Heat. He’s hitting David Brent after a stag weekend.

The Thomas Cook-sponsored Worst Tourist Since Gerard Depardieu Award
Hooker Dylan Hartley, banned for calling the referee a cheat just days before the Lions Squad left for Australia.

The ‘I’m Not Feeling The Pressure, honest’ Award
Spurs manager Andre Villas Boas, who had a Norwegian hairdresser ejected from a game because he didn’t like his singing. 

The “I’m not worried about that old bloke who sits in the director’s box every week, honest” Award
David Moyes. “I was due to take Van Persie off after 60 minutes, but if I had, people would have said, ‘What are you doing?” They’re still saying it David.

The It’s My Ball, I’m Not Playing Award
Bradley Wiggins who didn’t show up to support Chris Froome in 2013 Tour de France and took a while paying him the traditional team bonus too. 

The Alan Ball Memorial GCSE Mathematics Award
Manchester City manager Manuel Pellegrini. Three and four are easy to mix up.

The Definitely Not Sexist Female Newcomer of the Year
World Cup draw co-host Fernanda Lima. Handled the balls with aplomb.

The Collapsing Deckchair Trophy For Most Over-Hyped Team
England's cricket squad. 5-0 in The Ashes? Looking more likely every day.

The Inaugural Paul Scholes/Frank Sinatra Most Gold Carriage Clocks Repeat Retirement Award
Snooker World Champion and soon to be retired (again) Ronnie O’Sullivan.

The “Has It Started Yet?” Trophy For Most Forgettable Global Sporting Event of the Year
The Rugby League World Cup, which may or may not have already been played in England in 2013.

The NCP-sponsored Car Park Resident of the Year
Peter Odemwingie who spent most of January’s transfer deadline day in his car waiting for his mobile to ring.

The Alan Partridge Clanging Anecdote of the Year
Roy “It’s the way I tell ‘em” Hodgson’s half-time advice to feed the space monkey aka Andros Townsend against Poland.

The Sports Personality (And By Personality We Mean Personality) of the Year Award
Luis Suarez. Yes, we said it.


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