The Fictional Five – Nancy Dell'Olio On Statues

The Italian lawyer, style siren and former squeeze of Sven offers a unique insight into her "busy life" – while getting animated about the inanimate (as imagined by Michael Holden, naturally).

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1 | The Sphinx

“I’ve always been lucky with my skin – the Sphinx maybe less so. She had her face shot off by Napoleonic soldiers, but it’s things like that which make us grow. Besides – you have to ask yourself who is to blame here. The warm blooded soldiers or the sulking sphinx? If you’re as busy as I am then the odds of someone aiming a cannon at you are, like myself, pretty slim. Speaking of military matters and the Middle East it remains a mystery to me why the USA chose not to deploy me in the hunt for Bin Laden. In my experience all men are the same, religion or not, the urge to get ‘zero dark dirty’ would have drawn him out of hiding. I suspect Michelle Obama vetoed the plan to avoid me meeting her husband. I discussed this with John Craven at a recent party and he seemed to agree.”

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2 | The Little Mermaid

“I was brunching at Greggs with Kim il Sung when I heard that the mermaid had – not for the first time – been decapitated. My first thoughts were that she had only herself to blame and as a busy person I rarely have time to think more than once about anything. One hundred and one years old and looking every day of it – you can tell the mermaid has an attitude problem. Perhaps she has been listening to the media.”

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3 | The Thinker

“Some ask what the statue is thinking of? The answer is easy – me! Perhaps not literally me since (although age is just a number) he is a lot older than me and frankly looks it – but the idea of me. When will she come to me, why am I a statue? Thoughts like these are surely playing through the figure’s bronze brain each time I walk past (as often as my intense schedule permits). The statue lacks the nerve to start up a conversation – for this I blame its mother.”

4 | Nelson's Column

“I was in a taxi in Trafalgar Square dressed down in a lace-flared backless jump suit and bishop’s mitre when it seemed like Nelson winked at me. At that distance it’s hard to be sure but the heart knows what the heart knows, and I knew the 19th century sandstone admiral wanted me there and then. In a classic display of misogyny though he does nothing more and, being busy, I am gone.”

5 | Christ the Redeemer

“It’s the way he looks at you. Those suggestive open arms that say, ‘You are forgiven’, but also, subtly, sexually, ‘Look love, it’s not going to suck itself.’ Of all the powerful men who have been captivated by me (Prince Harry, Pol Pot and deceased snooker referee Len Ganley among them) Christ The Redeemer is the one with whom I feel the deepest connection. Even on a postcard I can feel him mentally undressing me. I am curious to go to Brazil to see how the 30-metre statue of Jesus will take things to the next level, however I have yet to find the right shoes.”

This article first appeared in Esquire Weekly, our new iPad-only edition. Containing 100 per cent new and original content, it’s published every Thursday on the Apple Newsstand. Get your copy today by downloading the Esquire UK app to your iPad and either buying an individual copy for 99p or taking out a three-month, six-month or year’s subscription (all of which include digital copies of the monthly magazine)

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