Exciting news in the world of Google Glass! Wait – you haven’t even tried a pair on yet? No, us either. But the exciting news might just convince you, because it has to do with sex.
A new app – ‘Sex With Google Glass’ – is set to revitalise your frankly analogue sex life by enabling you to star in your own porn movie.
In short, you’re going to be able to:
- Film your sex from every angle using your glasses and your iPhone
- Swipe between views
- See the action through each other’s eyes
- Turn the lights off and play music (with voice command)
- Get suggestions for your next position
Now, we know. ‘Staring in your own porn movie’ has been possible since the 80s. But this is the full, HD, multi-angle, blockbuster experience. Not a grainy shot of two bodies taken from the top of a cupboard, or a jerky, handheld, camera phone POV of a suddenly-awkward blow job.
We’re talking the Tarantino of homemade porn here, with cool cut scenes, Little Green Bag playing in the background and a cameo from the director. That’s you, by the way. Tarantino doesn’t burst in halfway through.
There are a few drawbacks, of course.
For one thing, you’ll both have to be wearing a pair of Google Glasses, which means it’ll feel a bit like you’re in bed with a cyborg. But that’s cool – Robocop is hot, right?
And obviously, there’ll be no eye contact between the two of you. You’ll be too busy flicking through the various angles on the small screen in front of your eyes, reminding yourself to suck in your gut or tense your biceps, or fiddling with the lighting until neither is necessary.
Afterwards, to avoid any tiresome conversations or spooning, you can watch the whole masterpiece back to yourselves through your separate eyepieces and edit the experience into different versions you’re individually happy with.
You’ll have to be quick though – after five hours, the video deletes its self, eliminating the pesky risk of any future emotional blackmail, or someone (let’s face it, you) uploading the footage to Red Tube for kicks.
Finally, the most exciting prospect of having Sex with Google Glass is the option, mid-coitus, to order it to show you exactly what your partner is seeing at the same moment.
What could possibly be better for your sexual stamina than suddenly being confronted with the sight of your own sweating face, huffing, puffing and gurning its way through the divinity of intercourse? Not so much ‘keeping the wolf from the door’ as shooting the wolf through the head at point blank range with shotgun long before the door is even in sight.
Yes, humanity’s quest to experience itself remotely through a screen has finally found its frontier in the bedroom. Sex, that most antiquated of acitivities, has been updated for the digital world.
Welcome to the future, porn star.