The Fictional Five – Danny Dyer On Carpets

It’s four to the floor (well five, actually) with the bandy-legged DVD phenomenon and cockney wideboy (as imagined by Michael Holden)

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1 | Axminster

“When you whack down a carpet your first choice should be Axminster. Originally knotted up by mugs in France back in the fucking past, Axminster has become, for me, the quintessential British floor covering. It’s second to none. Do not make me fucking spell out the advantages over traditional spool! You see a lot of Axminster in hotels. I do anyway. Unlimited colour potential too.”

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2 | Wilton

“Alright, wallop – you got me. I said Axminster was second to none – well what about a Wilton? Fair cop – there’s not much to choose between them – spill enough claret and frankly your specific weave choices are the least of your McFlurries (worries). People think it’s all about the red carpet in my business – they’re fucking “dinner” (dinner gong = wrong). Once you’ve clocked a Wilton you can see the awards season for what it is – double knit (bullshit).  Keep things in fucking perspective. Some say a bedroom takes far less wear than a stair carpet. Stroll on!”

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3 | Tufted

“Tufted carpet is quick and easy to make. So what? Here’s what! Go head to head with tufted on a cost basis and you can take ya secondary flooring solutions and fuck off. Hardwood floors, laminates? Mug’s game. I plot up in someone’s drum and it’s not carpeted – it turns my guts, whoosh! I’m gone. Done one. Over and get the fuck out. Also – rules to live by – neutral carpet accentuates a feeling of space. Sweet as.”

4 | Rugs

“You’ll hear people giving it all that about the fucking hidden costs of fitting and underlay. Fuck’s sake – what about the hidden costs of being a wanker? A carpet creates that special luxury welcome that no other floor covering can. Get a rug by all means but remember: it’s your “Roman” (numeral – funeral).”

5 | Tapestry

“I get the right hump hearing about Erasmus Bigelow in America inventing the power loom and how this was some kind of “Robert” (De Niro = Year Zero) for the carpet industry. For me it goes back way further — the trades of tapestry and carpet making are as closely entwined as the fibres of the fucking products themselves! Personally, I don’t differentiate, and neither should you. Your gaff, your rules. You don’t need to have a large room to use patterned carpet. Ditto tapestries. You want a moody narrative on the wall in fabric form? You fucking well have one my son.”

This article first appeared in Esquire Weekly, our new iPad-only edition. Containing 100 per cent new and original content, it’s published every Thursday on the Apple Newsstand.

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