1 | Lava lamp
Because nothing says you spent your teens smoking drugs like a left-over low-watt light that does nothing, very slowly.
2 | Mini fridge
A noisy distraction that makes you look a lazy alcoholic afraid of going into the kitchen.
3 | Fish tank
You’re going for a touch of the exotic (look at the coloured pebbles) but the stink – coupled with the animal’s penchant for dying suddenly – are only giving off a tragic vibe.
4 | Tired pop culture posters
"This photo of Muhammad Ali punching someone really speaks to me."
5 | Cheap sheets
Instead of congratulating yourself on spending less on bedding than you would a bus ticket, invest in linen that other people would actively enjoy getting into.
6 | Completely bare walls
Because there is a fine line between 'minimalism' and having no soul.
7 | Any visible evidence of condoms
Keep 'em in the drawer and hoover the floor.
8 | A games console...
Keep it in the living room. Your bedroom should be a relaxed, inviting space – not somewhere you shoot civilians into the early hours.
9 | ...Or a large collection of games
The CD collection can look distinguished. The DVD collection, charmingly archaic. The towering Xbox collection? Worryingly juvenile.
10 | Exotic pets
The rule of thumb: if it eats frozen mice, then you can’t have it in your bedroom.
11 | Lynx Africa
Your choice in toiletries say a lot about you. If yours says "still waiting for puberty", best keep it hidden in the bathroom.
12 | Taxidermy
Even if it was a boyhood gift from your eccentric aunt, nothing kills the mood quite like an animal filled to the eyes with sawdust and mush.
13 | Badly assembled furniture
Learn how to put it together properly, or pay someone who can.
14 | School trophies
Let it go, mate.
15 | Hot water bottle
Screams invalid. Don't look like the guy who rings his Mum at the slightest sign of a cold.
16 | A blu-tacked Glastonbury ticket from 2005
The smug Facebook update of yesteryear.
17 | An office chair on wheels
You spend most of your day sat on one now. Invest in something comfortable.
19 | Incense sticks
Smell worse than anything they're supposed to cover up.
20 | A Fender Stratocaster with two strings missing
Noone wants to hear Wonderwall.
21 | Excercise equipment
The mark of a man too scared to go to a gym. Most heinous of all: those hand-grip strengtheners that look like you treat masturbating like a competitive sport.
22 | Tissues