The World Cup Armchair Report: Day One

A few things we learned from the first day of Brazil '14, from Fifa's idea for world peace to Ronaldo's icepack

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1 | Opening ceremony tip (this one’s on us)

If you're going to get J-Lo and Pitbull to perform at the opening ceremony, you should probably consider giving them microphones that work.


2 | The wit and wisdom of Clive Tyldesley

Despite his best efforts, ITV’s stalwart commentator is more suited to commentating on FA Cup fourth round replays than nature-themed contemporary dance. We do, however, award him bonus points for use of the phrase "robotic exoskeleton."

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3 | World peace: FIFA’s solution

Simply release three bewildered doves at the beginning of a football match. There will never be another war.


4 | World Cup crashers

Ever wondered what happened to Vince Vaughan after his break-up with Jennifer Aniston? He took up football and is now playing in goal for Brazil.


5 | It’s official - Brazilian footballer names are now rubbish

Once upon a time every player had to end in an ‘o’ — Revelino, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Robinho. Now, with names like Oscar and Fred, the team sounds like a playground at a Notting Hill nursery (apart from Hulk, who could only come from Shoreditch).

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6 | Haircuts hogging the headlines

Obviously Neymar is a short odds contender for haircut of the tournament (although technically, it’s three different haircuts) but an unlikely rival emerged in the shape of diminutive Croat Luka Modric. Across radio and TV, commentators were reeling from the sight of the newly shorn Real Madrid midfielder, with various theories of how it happened being offered, including a boozy pool party with Gareth Bale.

7 | Goal celebrations

Everyone seems to be nicking Gareth Bale’s heart shaped hands goal celebration. Neymar and Oscar both tried to claim it. As Bale plays for Wales, and is presumably watching the tournament from a pub in Port Talbot, he isn't around to stake his own claims this summer.


8 | Canna kick it?  

As a pundit, Fabio Cannavaro makes a great defender.


9 | Sticks and stones

The reason the ITV’s studio on the beach was attacked by protesters last night had nothing to do with social conditions in Brazil. It was a direct response to the glare coming off Gordon Strachan earlier in the day.


10 | Spot the difference

Has anyone else noticed the icepack Cristiano Ronaldo had strapped to his knee when he hobbled out of training yesterday looks uncannily like Glenn Hoddle in profile?

 

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