The World Cup Armchair Report: Day Five

From Phil Neville's monotone to untraceable spy drones, a few more things we've unearthed from the latest action in Brazil

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1 | Neville Neville, Your Son Is a Mess
While Gary Neville has revolutionised television match analysis, younger brother Phil’s co-commentary on the England v Italy game exuded all the charisma of a hostage reading out a prepared statement. As one Tweet put it: "Phil Neville's voice helping to counteract any adrenaline".

2 | That Phantom Goal
If it looks like a goal, and the BBC graphic screams ‘Goal,’ you are entitled to celebrate it like a goal. Cue 20 million England fans mopping up spilt beer and resuming their seats as Raheem Sterling jogs back to the halfway line.

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3 | End Of Innocence
So far, this World Cup has been very easy on the eye. All the good work on the pitch was swiftly undone during ITV’s Sunday evening broadcast however, in which viewers were subjected to the sights of Adrian Chiles, Gordon Strachan and Neil Lennon in shorts and flip-flops. It's a sight we will never unsee and a little of the tournament's romance has forever been lost. Their translucent skin could apparently be seen from Sugarloaf Mountain. 

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4 | Not So Super Mario
Spare a thought for Colombian defender Mario Yepes. During his nation's game against Greece on Saturday, the ITV commentator declared definitively that the 38-year-old “doesn't have any pace at all”. We've heard of players slowing up as they get older but this is the first time we have heard of a case this severe. 

5 | The Eyes Have It

You can spot the rookie pundits out in Rio from their eyes. Rio Ferdinand broadcasts with the fixed stare of a man who's just found out his car has been clamped, while Juninho has the anxious, faraway gaze of a man awaiting scan results.

6 | Savage Self-confidence
You have to admire Robbie Savage's chutzpah. The closet he got to a World Cup was playing in a Piers Morgan Charity XI yet there he was on a panel alongside Clarence Seedorf and Thierry Henry acting as if he was where he belongs. Impressive.

7 | Beach Life
One-cap England striker Kevin Davies has eased the pain of missing out on Brazil by recreating Copacabana beach in his back garden in Bolton. The Preston goal-getter revealed photos of the striking transformation on Twitter prior to the Italy game. Kevin Davies is 37.

8 | Spies Like Us

French coach Didier Deschamps has claimed that a training session may have been spied on by a drone that flew over their base earlier this week. The startling revelation was made from a lead-lined underground bunker as Deschamps sported a homemade tinfoil hat.

9 | Dejan View
Croatia’s players are refusing to speak to the media after naked photos of them frolicking in the team swimming pool were published online. “The whole world has seen them,” claimed coach Niko Kovac, which came as a surprise to the whole world.

 

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