World Cup Armchair Report: Day Six

A sideways look at the latest action from Brazil

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1 Lennon Issues Death Threat
Security has been upped in the Portugal camp, such was the vitriol from the BBC panel aimed at the Portuguese defender Pepe following his sending off against Germany. Accused of letting his family, his team mates and his country down by his stupidity, Neil Lennon uttered the chilling threat: "I'd be going through him like a hot knife through butter'", delivered like a prison hardman trying to make a play for control of D wing.

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2 Cliché watch: Germany
Words already heard during Germany's first game, a 4-0 win over Portugal - ruthless, efficient, clinical, cold. Basically, German. It won’t be the last time.

3 Half Rice, Half Chips

A photograph has emerged of a confused fan with a half a Neymar shirt attached to half a Messi shirt, thus bearing the name Neyssi. Had he been at the Italy v England match he might have had to go with a Baloooney. Which aptly describes Wayne’s second half corner.

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4 Free Kick Mystery
That magic 10 yard spray the refs are using to mark out the wall for free kicks is giving dead ball experts more room than they’ve ever had before to do their thing. So why has the quality so far resembled a man pressing the wrong controller button on FIFA 14?

5 Chiles Killer
Dear Adrian Chiles, it isn’t over yet. Please stop introducing “the latest from the England camp” with the subdued intonation of a newsreader handing over to a crime scene where another body has been dug up.

6 Shot By Both Sides

Dear ITV, please can you replace your stone-damaged studio window. We keep thinking that someone has put a bullet through our TV screen.

7 From Toast to Coast
Nigeria were so dismal in the 0-0 draw against Iran that striker Peter Obemwingie was last night understood to be making overtures about securing a late switch Ivory Coast. Rumours that he had driven straight from from the game in Parana to Fortaleza, in a bid to make it in time for the Les Elephants next match against Greece, are still unconfirmed.

What Neville Did Next
Phil Neville put his disastrous co-commentary debut behind him yesterday with a nerveless display in a different role on the BBC studio sofa. Showing great mental strength to put Saturday behind him, he delivered a series of coherent sentences with no sign of the staccato delivery and inflicted tone of a man reading out car number plates while having his prostate examined.

9 Sobbie Ravage
In between bellowing aimlessly at random players, ponytailed irritant Robbie Savage described Ghana’s first half play against the USA as “predictive.” Presumably he later sent somebody a predictable text.

10 Hart Attack
Joe Hart clearly clearly has a high opinion of his many qualities but patience is clearly not one of his virtues, if this tirade is anything to go by. Being made to look rather silly by a Pirlo free kick can do that to a man.

 

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