1 | A half-finished multipack of toilet roll on the bathroom floor
Find a cupboard, mate.
2 | A moody picture of a New York skyline
Manhattan at sunset… Brooklyn in the snow… you’ve never actually been, have you?
3 | Assorted empty bottles of shampoo and shower gel
What, are you going to make Thunderbird island out of them one day?
4 | A guitar on a stand
Just makes guests nervous you’re going to start playing it.
5 | A bike in the corridor
Clambering around a crotch-height handlebar is a terrible introduction to anyone’s home.
6 | A weights bench / exercise bike / rowing machine
Unless you live in a mansion, you’ve just invested in the world’s most expensive clotheshorse. Join a gym.
7 | Beanbags
You’re not working at Google.
8 | A cactus
So afraid of responsibility, you’ve gone for the one plant you don’t have to water.
9 | A candle in a wine bottle
Unless you want your home to resemble a 6th form production of Macbeth.
10 | A bread maker
One afternoon of modest achievement traded for a permanent reminder of wasted potential. Like the Millennium Dome.
11 | Any memorabilia from a motoring or alcohol brand
Including ashtrays, clocks and sports jackets.
12 | A wine rack…
…Full of Blossom Hill and Earnest & Julio Gallo.
13 | Pint glasses stolen from your local pub
That mist on the rim is the residue of a thousand strangers’ sighs.
14 | An extreme chilli sauce collection
We’d be impressed if they were empty.
15 | Shot glasses
Some things should only occur outside the comfort of your own home.
16 | Back issues of the Economist…
…in a pile, by the front door, still in their plastic.
17 | A row of travel guides
C’mon, Phileas Fogg. We both know you’re not going back to Bucharest before that book needs replacing.