Things You (Don't) Have To Do Before You Die

Do yourself a favour and rethink that bucket list

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1 Learn to carve
Almost certainly the world’s most pointless achievement, beyond even being good at Frisbee, balancing a spoon on your nose or being able to fart the intro to Stevie Wonder’s Superstition.

2 Get a tattoo
No amount of cathartic self-expression through the medium of body art can ever compare with the all-enveloping surge of Schadenfreude when another friend checks into the laser removal clinic.

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3 Go fishing with your Dad
Eight hours on a cold riverbank will stretch even the tightest relationship. Stick to the pub.

4 Do one of those Tough Mudder endurance races
The fitness equivalent of battle re-enactment.

5 Explore your sexuality
You’re old enough to know what you want and should be man enough to face it. (Oh, and that threesome? Not gonna happen.)

6 Take ayuhasca
Want to sit in a circle vomiting and hallucinating with a bunch of travellers? Invite some gap-year students round next time you have gastric flu and save yourself thousands.

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7 Conquer your fear of snakes
A tip: don’t go to the zoo. And then don’t move to Australia.

8 Show your old schoolmates how successful you are
It’s not just because you should have realised it’s who you are, not how much you make, but also because someone will have done far better than you, guaranteed.

9 Learn another language
Really, it’s fine. Ça va. No problemo. See? Waste of time.

10 Stop wearing jeans
But do be careful bending over.

11 Become a wine expert
Just means you're only happy drinking the seriously expensive stuff.

12 Build a house with your own bare hands
Three words: delegation, delegation, delegation. Or: pay, a, builder.

14 Write your novel/screenplay/opus
It’s a far better idea “Well, I can always…” folder.

15 Get arrested
Policemen are, as a rule, either unpleasant or boring. For that reason alone, spending time with them is very much to be avoided.

16 Get an Advanced Driver’s licence
Like taking another A Level when you’ve already got into university. Just buy those bloody driving gloves if you must.

17 Appreciate classical music
Do you feel stupid because you’re not into medieval madrigals, classical Greek tragedy or prehistoric cave art? Even your grandfather still likes the Rolling Stones, for god’s sake.

18 Fail spectacularly
Apparently it’s character building, but is more likely to just be a bit shit.

19 Cook your own roadkill
Believe us, roast squirrel really ain’t all that.

20 Have a near-death experience
Real death not good enough for you?

21 Run with the bulls
Generally speaking, vastly overrated.

22 Have children
Just get a dog.

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