30 Things A Man Should Never Own

If you're in possession of any of the following items, it's time to prepare the bonfire.

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1 | Shower cap
One of only two things not to take from a hotel’s complimentary bathroom miniatures.

2 | Emergency sewing kit
The other one.

3 | ‘Going out’ shirt
Yeh, go on, advertise the fact you've never got laid.

4 | Anything built from matchsticks
Or Airfix. Or Scalextric.

5 | Bread maker
Never going to happen - let it go.

6 | Beaded car seat
Unless you’re an unlicensed minicab driver.

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7 | A bicycle you lie down on to ride
Slots neatly beneath the axles of a bus.

8 | Fob watch
Do you really want to build your outfit around a centuries old timepiece?

9 | Memorial sculpture dedicated to Lady Di
Or anything bought from the Daily Express classifieds.

10 | Slippers
They go really well with the plastic lining on your sofa.

11 | Bonsai tree
Sign up for an allotment, fool.

12 | Sun-reacting glasses
Paedovision. Enough said.

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13 | Mobile phone holster
Yes, even if you are a building contractor.

14 | Small moustache
There are several reasons, but you know the big one.

15 | Crocs
You're neither a career chef or a 'keen' gardener.

16 | Labradoodle
If it’s novelty you want, try an Alsatian with back wheels instead of hind legs.

17 | Wormery
Recycle your rubbish like everyone else.

18 | Dido CD
And clear out David Gray's White Ladder while you're there.

19 | Jewelry you bought while 'travelling'
How do you make a fraying ethnic leather choke chain look even less cool? Pair it with a bad suit.

20 | ‘Lucky’ pants
They’re not lucky. Hence why you've owned them since University.

21 | A restraining order
It smacks of self-control issues.

22 | Chain for your specs
Unless you own a West London antique lighting shop and have silver hair. But that's the only exception.

23 | Peach loo roll
It’s got to be white, white, white. And no, you don't need a 'luxury' texture.

24 | Framed graduation photograph
Wow, you got a 2:2 in Communications. Complete with wrong haircut and dappled backdrop.

25 | A skateboard
Grow up man.

26 | Street caricature of yourself
Didn't turn out as well as his detailed rendering of Brad Pitt now did it?

27 | Matching luggage
And while you're there, lose the sunglasses from the Stansted airport check-in queue too. You're not on holiday yet.

28 | Talcum powder
That's right, advertise the fact you’re a bit sweaty downstairs.

29 | G-Wiz
Who are you, Postman Pat? Get a bike – one you lie down to ride.

30 | Potpourri.

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