In case you were actually confused about his political ideology, Louis C.K. is voting for Hillary Clinton on Election Day. But on Tuesday night's Conan, he clarified that he wasn't just voting for her because he's liberal, or because she's the lesser of two evils. He's totally on board for Clinton, and he laid out one of the most compelling arguments anyone has ever made for the Democratic candidate yet.
First, he elaborated about how it's important to have a mother in the White House, not just a woman. "We've had 240 years of fathers, father after father. Bald father, fat father, every kind of father," he said. "A great father can give a kid 40 percent of his needs, tops. Tops out at 40 percent. Any mother, just a shit mother, just a not-even-trying mother? Two-hundred percent."
Second, he talked about the real role of a president: to take the blame for everything when you're drunk at the bar. "[Donald Trump], every time he's criticised, everything stops, and he makes everybody pay. That's not how it works. We need somebody who can take abuse," he said. "Hillary Clinton can take abuse. She's been taking it and taking it. We've been hazing her, we've been holding her down and spitting in her mouth and yelling at her, and she just keeps working. So I'm totally for her."
And third, he talked about how every criticism you can possibly throw at Clinton is actually a compliment and is a good trait to have in a president. (Seriously.) "I don't want somebody who's likable or cool anymore. We need a two-faced, conniving, crazy [person], somebody who's got a million schemes," he said. "By the way, all her shit is out there, every email she ever wrote is in the newspapers, and she's not in jail, which is amazing. But we need just a tough bitch mother, who nobody likes, who just does shit."
C.K. said that he doesn't fault anyone who votes for Trump because of his or her ideology. But he had his most ire for people who feel wishy-washy about voting for anyone this time around. And here's where his best line of the night came in: "I think if you vote for Hillary you're a grownup, if you vote for Trump you're a sucker, and if you don't vote for anybody you're an asshole."
