Dragons, Dragonglass, Dragonstone, and Ed Sheeran: Last night's Game of Thrones season premiere really had it all. But what if you're only a casual watcher of the most popular show on television? What if you haven't kept a thorough log of its 43,000 main characters? What if you just kind of look at the pretty cinematography and fade into and out of naps because you went at it too hard over the weekend? I got you. Here is a Very Shallow Recap of Game of Thrones, just so you can keep up at work today.
We open as Walder Frey—who orchestrated the Red Wedding, where all the people you liked died a few seasons ago (and who died himself last season at the hand of Arya Stark)—shares some wine with his extended family. He insists they drink first, which is a bad sign, and they do, and they choke and die, and then he pulls his face off and he's actually Demi Lovato. Not really—it's Arya Stark under there, because having other people's faces is a thing she can do now. I guess she's also his actual physical size, because I don't know how else that trick would work.
She then takes off to kill more people, but then she runs into a bunch of soldiers, one of whom is Ed Sheeran, who actually does sing. She asks him who his influences are, and which tattoo he regrets, and then she introduces this week's #3 video, "That's What I Like" by Bruno Mars. The soldiers offer her some rabbit, which she eats, and then she says she's going to kill the Queen, and they all laugh. On Twitter, though, nobody is laughing, because the Ed Sheeran thing is a step too far for a show with zombies and dragons. Go look now: It is chock-full of the performative outrage the Twitter guys were practicing all Sunday afternoon with the female Doctor Who news.
Sam Tarly is Jon Snow's oldest, truest friend, but now he throws up for a living. He's working in some kind of prison or institution or toilet, which is also a library, where he cleans bedpans and reads books. There is a literal montage of dry heaves, which turn into moist heaves, and then I leave the room for a moment. But in some book, he finds out that there's a mineral called Dragonglass that is Kryptonite to White Walkers, and there's a huge underground mine of it at Dragonstone. He pulls his quill right out to tell Jon all about it, and also to ask what the most popular show on television stands to gain from having a cameo by a very popular and recognisable singer on its season premiere.
Jon, meanwhile, is the King in the North, and he's reunited with his sister Sansa, who is played in just this episode by Ke$ha. Jon decrees that some groups of people I've never heard of get to stay in their ancestral homes, which Sansa slightly disagrees with. Sansa is still being followed around by Littlefinger, who is sketchy, and she talks about how much she learned from Queen Cersei, who is a nightmare. So they're getting along, Jon and Sansa—but possibly not for long.
Cersei, meanwhile, has a fresh new map she walks all over, and she talks about establishing a dynasty for her and Jaime, even though now all their kids are dead. One of the Greyjoys comes to ask for her hand in marriage, and to talk about his dick and his "two good hands," which has to be directed at poor old Jaime One-Hand, but she declines. He says he's coming back with a special present, which can only mean one thing: Hailee Steinfeld.
The Hound and a bunch of other guys roll up to a house that the Hound seems to recognise, and there's a pair of very dead bodies there. So he buries them, and then all the guys stare into a fire and see things that are probably important, but I fell asleep briefly at that point, because it felt cozy.
Peter Dinklage is still with Daenerys Targaryen, who doesn't do much except walk around with a determined look on her face. They travel to Dragonstone, which comes complete with its own huge map, which she sort of slinks her hand all over the top of and then says, "Shall we begin?" So I guess Daenerys and Peter Dinklage are going to begin, is what we're finding out here.
Next week: Daenerys gets advice to hit King's Landing, Arya reunites with her Direwolf, I try to remember how Direwolves work, someone has their hands around Littlefinger's neck, and Queen Latifah stops by to talk about Girls' Trip and share her recipe for a refreshing, low-alcohol Latifah-Tini you can enjoy by the pool this summer.
