Dear HBO: Seven Hells, Please Stop Ruining My Mondays

An open plea regarding the cruel scheduling of Game Of Thrones

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Dear HBO,

First off: thank you. Sopranos? Loved that show. The Wire? Quality. Boardwalk Empire? Actually, I could take or leave that one to be honest.

But Game Of Thrones? Well, you don't need me to tell you you played a blinder there.

But here's the thing.

When you took the decision this season to broadcast the show in the US and UK simultaneously, you no doubt thought that - in addition to curbing some of the piracy stuff you find so irritating - it would please the show's legions of devoted UK fans to no longer have to wait 24 hours after the US to see the latest instalment of the show.

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Except it hasn't worked out like that at all. Instead, you have made Mondays unbearable. You've turned them in a 24-hour game of Russian Roulette with our favourite hour of the week.

You see, now the show goes out at 2am UK time every Monday morning and sits there, all day, on catch up, it means no one in Britain - not the guys in your office, nor the press itching to bolster their web traffic with recaps and hot takes - quite know when it's OK to drop spoilers (spoilers, as you know, is more heinous than king slaying or incest in the world of GoT fandom).

Some of us stay up late to see it at the first possible opportunity. This is only practical for teenagers and the unemployed. Others wake at the crack of dawn and watch it before they go to work but really - who wants to eat their scrambled eggs over beheadings and popped skulls? Others still dip in during their lunch break or at some other random point of the day before flooding Facebook and Twitter with their OMGs and their Hodor jokes. Basically, thanks to you, the internet is a no-go zone on Mondays if you want to stand any chance whatsoever of reaching the evening unspoiled. I work on the internet - HBO, this is not practical.

But I have a solution. It's going to require some big - some may even say unAmerican - thinking, but as pioneers who helped usher in the golden age of television, I think you can do it.

Broadcast each episode in the UK first. Think about it. If the show aired at 10pm Greenwich Mean Time on a Sunday evening, audiences in the US would only have a 5-8 hour spoiler window before they saw it too in which, frankly, we'll all just be in bed anyway. By the time we wake up in the UK, America would have caught up and we'll all be on the same page with no harm done.

There is, I believe, another, more noble reason to consider this revolutionary step. Quite frankly HBO, when it comes to your biggest and most successful show, you owe us.

Where do you think George R. R. Martin got all those ideas about knights and kings and bloody great big castles? I'll tell you: it wasn't the local history in New Jersey. It was the War of the Roses, Oliver Cromwell and Hadrian's Wall.

By his own admission the man plundered British history as he wrote the books, and you in turn plundered British talent to create the show. Ned Stark, Jon Snow, The Mother of Dragons - cast members big and small are overwhelming British-born or, in the case of Tyrion Lannister, affecting a British accent. The whole thing is basically an English medieval period drama with ice zombies.

Given the debt owed - and like Lannisters, rich global media companies surely must always pay their debts - I think it only appropriate that you rejig your broadcast schedule for the remaining episodes and seasons until Bronn takes his rightful place on the Iron Throne (I read this will happen on Reddit).

Otherwise Mondays in Britain will remain a futile traipse onto the battlefield of thwarted pleasure, a day being too afraid to check the morning news, a day refusing to log into Twitter or Facebook, a day of diving Die Hard-style out of lifts and down staircases whenever the words 'oh my God did you see…' are uttered within earshot.

Like Daenerys Targaryen, you have unleashed a beautiful but dangerous monster onto our shores. HBO, now you must tame it. 

Yours,

Great Britain

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