Oh, to live the life of Neil Buchanan in his Art Attack pomp. All he ever did was doodle cartoons, loot supermarkets, and drench everything he saw in white gloop, like Ron Jeremy losing his mind in a Hobbycraft.
At one point he carried out some kind of shady deal right in front of the cameras and no one even cared. He was untouchable.
And what's more, he got to hang out with that malnourished Alan Shearer-esque statue head. With his dire art skills and head-flailing antics, he played the role of comic relief. It was all good, innocent fun.
Or was it?
Eagle-eyed Art Attack fans have been looking through archive footage of the show, and they've come to a shocking discovery about our favourite decapitated Yorkshireman.
And what have they found? Well, for all that time, it turns out 'The Head' had the word "sex" stenciled into his fringe.
Can you see it? Zoom in, and everything will reveal itself.
Won't somebody think of the (now middle-aged) children? Shocking stuff.
Now, while you're here, a lot of you have been asking: Esquire, what was Neil Buchanan's best Art Attack outfit in the show's 17 year run?
Well, first of all, thanks for asking. Obviously we can discount the latter series' rugby top, which acted as a real nadir for the sartorial side of the show.
And, controversial as it may be, we're not going for Buchanan's iconic baggy jumper and white polo combo.
You know what's coming, don't you? Congratulations to Buchanan's early-nineties, Parisian steez. One for the true heads amongst us.