Greetings from London, my friends! I am here to perform in the London Podcast Festival this weekend, and also to affect a light Cockney accent and pretend I've always spoken this way. And as if by some ancient English magic, I seem to have summoned a query from someone on the continent. As always, if you have questions about life, relationships, sex, really anything other than basic European history, lay them on me at askdaveholmes@gmail.com.
But for now, welcome…to What's Your Problem? International!
Hi Dave,
I work at a high-end hotel, and I have this very beautiful and awesome manager. At first, she was always willing to jump in and help me with any questions. I noticed an empty flower vase in her office, and because she was always very nice to me, I started bringing flowers from my garden. On her return from a short break, I told her how we missed her and wrote her a card on behalf of the entire team, which she proudly displayed on her board.
Over a period of time I sensed she liked me. Every time I came to work, she would tell me how excited she was to see my big smile. One night, I sent her a text message telling her I missed her. The next day, she told me that she wanted to keep it professional, and that I should not be texting her such messages.
This is where it gets messy and ugly. The next day I came into work, and instead of my happy, smiling face, I put on a more professional front. She went on a two-week vacation, and when she came back, I didn't go out of my way to welcome her back or leave a card. She started being aloof and behaved very strange with me. I confronted her and asked her out for coffee or lunch so that we could talk freely. She told me that it was not right for her to go out with her colleagues. She took down the card she had pinned to her board and tried avoiding me as much as possible.
Since I was feeling uncomfortable, I decided to switch departments. When I gave my two weeks' notice, she acted like she was okay with it and then slammed the door on me. After that, she would not wish me good night before she left like she always had.
Looking at all this, do you think she was really interested in me? If so, was she expecting me to take the clues? Or was she just an attention-seeker? It's been a month since I left that job, but I still miss her. Now that I am not working for her, should I ask her out?
Just seeking your help to clear this confusion and move on if I was over-analyzing her behavior.
-Z., Parts Unknown
My friend, you are under-analyzing your own behavior.
Let's go through this step by step. You wonder whether she is interested in you and whether she was leaving romantic clues for you to decipher. But you're the one being forward, describing her as beautiful and awesome, giving her cards and flowers.You say you sensed that she liked you, but you're the one who felt compelled to text her on a regular work night and tell her you missed her. You're questioning her actions?
So actually, here is where it gets messy and ugly, Z. She told you it wasn't appropriate to send "I miss you" texts to your boss, who presumably you'd see in 12 hours. (For the record, she's right. Putting aside whatever policy your high-end hotel has about managers dating their underlings, it is needy and off-putting.) So instead of dialing your behavior back a little bit, you refused to smile at her. You didn't give her a friendly welcome back from a two-week break, but you accuse her of being aloof and strange. You asked her out for coffee so that you could talk freely, but a) she already said everything she needed to say, and b) even you speak of this exchange as a "confrontation." Z. Z!
Take a deep breath, clear your mind for a moment, and come back to me.
Welcome back! The whole department has really missed you. Okay, Z—what we're going to do is look at this from her perspective. Your manager meets you, steps in to help you acclimate to a new job, and likes your energy. You're a good employee, you smile and bring flowers and send warm notes. Around now, she's probably thinking: That Z is one nice fellow. I hope he isn't getting the wrong idea about my level of interest for him, because either a) I don't feel the same way, but I enjoy his friendship, or b) I could be interested in him, but company policy (or simple ethics) prevents us from dating. So she does the right thing, which is to suggest that you behave professionally, and you do the wrong thing, which is to give her the cold shoulder, pout, confront her about some uncomfortable and unnecessary coffee date, and then ask a stranger in an advice column whether your boss is an attention-seeker.
Z, it is plain as day that you like your boss. It is also my unprofessional opinion that you have botched it beyond repair. You could have been honest about your feelings. You could have asked her out and, if it's so easy to change positions at this high-end hotel, offered to change departments if she said yes. You could have taken it like an adult if she had said no and continued to have a pleasant working relationship. You didn't. You pursued her, pulled all your humanity back when things didn't go your way, and shifted all the uncertainty and awkwardness onto her. This one's on you, my man. Write it off, live, and learn.
And the next time you're interested in a woman, don't blame her for it. These are your feelings. Take responsibility for them.
Dear Dave,
My stepdad went to the hospital last week. Apparently, he suffered a stroke. My mom wants me to go home to Indiana to see him, but my life here in San Francisco is really busy right now—my daughter just started daycare, I'm in the middle of a huge project at work, and my wife is up for a promotion. I'm not close with my stepdad; he and my mom married only five years ago, and I don't know him well. Should I go?
-Derek M., San Francisco, CA
Yes, of course you should go. It has nothing to do with the closeness of your relationship with your stepfather. It has nothing to do with how much you have on your plate. It has to do with your mother, who is the only one you will ever have, who is in need of support. You love her, she loves him, therefore this involves all three of you. Even if there's nothing you can do, even if the stroke wasn't severe, you need to show your mother that you're there for her. There's no better way to do that than to simply, physically be there. Share space with the woman who raised you. Put your arm around her. Talk until you both have nothing else to say, and then just sit there in the quiet.
Love is a thing you do, and this is how you do it.
Dear Dave,
How come there's not a Song of the Autumn?
-Angela K., Brooklyn, NY
Angela! You have taken the words right out of my soon-to-be-windchapped lips. I think the reason is simple: Every summer is brand new, while every October is every other October. Summer puts you in mind of the new, while autumn's shorter days and cooler weather remind you of life's cyclical nature. DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince tell us "the smell from a grill can spark off nostalgia," but I disagree in the strongest possible terms. For me, autumn is a much more evocative season. The scent of a roaring fireplace, the crack of helmets at a high-school football game, that first day when you need a sweater, the taste of nutmeg all take me back to every autumn that has passed.
And for me, the season has a specific soundtrack, and it's the heartsick music of Boston's indie scene in the late-'80s and early-'90s: Buffalo Tom, Blake Babies, Juliana Hatfield, Dinosaur Jr, Lemonheads. The debut albums by the Sundays and the Ocean Blue are also acceptable. If you must go for something on the newer side, try Real Estate, Beach Fossils, or the Pains of Being Pure at Heart. But here are the rules: It must be melancholy, it must be filled with jangly guitars and unrequited longing, and it must make you reach for a light jacket.
I am willing to open this discussion up to the entire Esquire team, but for now, I propose that the Song of the Autumn 2016 is the Lemonheads' "Mallo Cup" from 1989. We miss you, Evan Dando. Come on back.
Send any and all questions (besides European history questions) to askdaveholmes@gmail.com.
