1 | If sitting down in conversation with a co-worker, make sure to pull at their seat lever and sink them as low to the ground as possible. Maintain eye contact throughout.
2 | Cram your lunch into a NutriBullet and pour the resulting mulch into a Nandos XXtra Hot! peri-peri bottle. Chug at desk in silence.
3 | Offer to make your co-worker a cup of tea, and then leave it in the kitchen for them to retrieve.
4 | Spend at least two-thirds of your working day scoffing at peoples' ideas.
5 | Wear a three-piece suit every single day (pro tip: swap your normal belt with a black karate one).
6 | Bench-press the intern.
7 | Get all of your letters and packages mailed to a co-worker's desk, so that they're forced to courier it over to you every morning.
8 | Whatever their name, and however long you've known them, always address a co-worker as "Keith".
9 | Wear two ties.