Mistakes I've Made During Threesomes (And How You Can Avoid Them)

​A truthful guide to having a successful ​ménage à trois ​

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"Don't get jealous!" advises everyone I know who has never had a threesome. 

This is a bit like shouting "don't choke!" just before someone gives a speech, or telling them not to cry on their birthday. It's not like you ever meant to do it. It's just that sometimes you can't help yourself. After all, if a threesome weren't an exciting and emotionally-charged scenario it's doubtful any of us would bother trying to have one.

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I've had a fair few threesomes, and made plenty of mistakes – jealousy included. But rather than give advice that basically amounts to 'be an emotionless robot', here are a few practical tips instead. So no matter how you deal with your feelings, at least you won't botch the basics.

Bring far more condoms than you think you'll ever need

Don't just multiply the number of condoms by people – or even how many shags you think you'll have. If you need to use condoms with each partner, then you also need a new condom when you switch partners. Or when you use sex toys. Or if you want to go from vagina to arse. The possibilities are almost infinite – that's why threesomes are fun. It may not seem sexy to keep rolling them on and off like a latex tester, but it's far hotter than scrabbling naked under the bed because you want to do that three-way-sandwich and you know there's a Durex here somewhere.

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Think of condoms as tokens which you exchange for sex acts: you wouldn't want to miss out on the jackpot because you used up your tokens earlier on. And if you've a few left for the morning after, all the better.

Don't make too many plans...

If you're cruising towards your first threesome ever, you might be tempted to make a bucket list of everything you want to try. After all, it's possible that your first is also your only opportunity: if you went to Thorpe Park for the first time, you'd make damn sure you got on all the good rides just in case you never got round to going back.

But as someone who's killed threesomes with over-planning, I'll tell you that it's often better to enjoy one thing thoroughly than to rush through everything and half-arse it. Immediately trying to tick off every 'I saw this in porn once' position can make the whole thing feel like extreme yoga against the clock. And excessive requests for new stuff can sometimes seem to your partners like nagging.

I once got soundly mocked by a couple of friends because I kept asking them to kiss during a threesome. Once they'd kissed, I'd make a new suggestion – mentally ticking off scenarios I could store in my wank bank for later. They wanted a much slower, more playful experience though, and me Bart Simpson-ing 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' did not do much to arouse them.

...But plan a bit

Although bucket-lists are unhelpful, talking about what you and your partners enjoy is pretty vital to ensuring your threesome goes well. Without any discussion you're reliant on guesswork, and guesswork makes for a rubbish shag, no matter how many people are involved.

I learned this the hard way during a threesome with my partner and another woman – it wasn't until right at the end that I realised I had a strong preference for where he came: ideally on or inside me, not her. Maybe something about ownership, or partnership, or just plain greed: that's between me and my therapist. But a quick poll on twitter told me I'm not the only one. Roughly 50% of people have strong feelings about where their partner ejaculates during a threesome with an 'extra' person. This 'where should he come?' discussion in particular is one I have before every threesome now – my partner doesn't want to be ten seconds from impact with no idea where he's supposed to try and land it. Talking about this – and other things you like and dislike - can save on stress when you're naked.

Don't go in the middle

If you're all planning on sleeping together after the event – in an actual bed, all squished up – experienced threesome practitioners will usually offer you the middle. It sounds like a nice thing: who wouldn't want to be the filling in a naked sandwich? But in fact it's a trap.

In the middle, it quickly becomes apparent that you've paid for the sexiness with discomfort and inconvenience. Three people are much, much sweatier than two – especially if you've just spent the last hour making best use of your collective friction. What's more, you can guarantee that your lovers will fall fast asleep before you do – blocking your escape route to the toilet or to get a glass of water.

So whatever your worries about jealousy, make sure you chat lots to your threesome partners. Avoid too much pressure – on them or yourself - always bring plenty of condoms, and try not to end up the middle man.

Girl on the Net

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