Reddit Users Parody Girls Magazine Sex Tips And Advise Men To "Knead Her Breasts Like Dough"

"Feeling festive? Put a little Santa hat on your penis"

Despite the many ways we have evolved as a species, sex advice is still often a cringer.

To highlight just how ridiculous some of the advice women are given about "pleasing their man," Reddit users came up with some equivalent sex advice for men with, erm, interesting results.

  • 'Turn her period into an exclamation point!'
  • 'While you're inside her, use your hips and pretend to write your name in cursive. If applicable, do not forget to dot the lowercase i or j.'
  • Top ten foreplay foods to drive her wild! 10) buffalo wings
  • 'Yank on her clit! You'll be amazed at the response!!'
  • 'If you're a busy man but still want to satisfy her needs, take her doggy style and use her back to write notes on. Or put your laptop on her ass. Multitasking is a quality highly sought after in a partner!'
  • 'Eat hot peppers before going down on her; it will give her a warm tingle she won't forget!'
  • 'Stick your penis in a bucket of ice for an hour beforehand. It'll give her a special tingle that sends chills up her spine!'
  • 'Surprise her while wearing a hairnet (anywhere that has hair)
  • 'Blow into her pussy and wait for her head to explode with pleasure!'
  • 'Knead her breasts like dough, occasionally adding olive oil and salt.
  • 'Refer to her genitals as 'a mighty fine pizza pie'
  • 'Poke her clit with a fork'
  • 'Don't be scared of doing something a bit more flexible. While you're on top, turn your head 360 degrees whilst screaming, "the anti-Christ has awoken!".'
  • 'Knock gentle on the front door and barge in the back'
  • 'Make sure to have a different fedora for each day of the week. It's sure to get your m'lady in the mood'.
  • 'Feeling festive? Put a little Santa hat on your penis and stick it out the chimney!'
  • 'Dump her ass and leave her totally wanting more!'
  • '180 new ways to disappoint your girlfriend.'
  • 'Fake an orgasm early so she thinks she's done a great job!'
  • 'When you're ready for the girl to cum, make sure you yell at the vagina like "CUUUMM!! DO IT!".'
  • Make her a sandwich but only give her 78% of it.

You'll be amazed at the results we're promised...