1 Try an experimental haircut. (Especially one that requires excessive gel or stencils).
2 Wear football shirts. (Unless you're actually playing).
3 Boast about your O/A Level results. (That B in physics hasn't exactly been life-changing, has it?).
4 Put anything in a clip frame. (You might as well have a Pulp Fiction poster on your wall).
5 Eat Pot Noodle with half a loaf of Happy Shopper bread as your main meal. (OK, only occasionally).
6 Pretend you like hip-hop. (Be honest, you don't).
7 Invite your friends over and "entertain" them by mixing records. (You're not a DJ, the summer of love is long gone and you find it hard enough to mix drinks).
8 Queue to get into a club. (Even your mixing is preferable).
9 Run out of ice.
10 Take ketamine. (It's a horse tranquiliser for God's sake).
11 Buy football programmes and store them in clear plastic sleeves. (An early sign of Asperger's).
12 Check the washing machine for the booze stash at parties. (Someone will see you, so buy your own).
13 Take your washing home to your mum. (You should be bringing her presents bu now not bin bags).
14 Sleep on a futon. (It's time you went up in the world).
15 Drink Diamond White, Aftershock, Hypnotiq or 20/20.
16 Own the same bed linen you had at college. (Not cool. Or safe).
17 Get the night bus home. (You could spiral into an existential depression).
18 Stay over on friends' sofas. (Unless Uber's gone offline).
19 Buy cheap shoes. (Unless you're a minicab driver).
20 Be sick on a night out. (You won't remember doing it, others will).
21 Wear polo shirts with the collars up. (You're not a student and you don't live in Fulham).
22 Get off with the office junior or intern (ditto).
23 Look up old girlfriends on Facebook. It's borderline.
24 Leave a giant pack of loo roll on show in the bathroom. (Along with a showerproof AM radio and the entire Lynx Africa range).
25 Have a nickname for your penis. (We don't want to know, and nor does the office junior or intern).
26 Come too quickly. (Understandable only if you have ignored the above and nicknamed it Flash or Trigger).
27 Sport love bites in the office. (Roll-necks in summer – dead giveaway).
28 Describe that rudimentary 'spag bol' recipe you've been trotting out since you left home your 'signature dish'.
29 Make new friends. (Far too much like hard work).
30 Make pained "ahhh" noises when you bend or sit down. (Save it for 60).