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30 Things Not To Do After 30

30 Things Not To Do After 30

Life after thirty requires making a few little lifestyle adjustments. Here's a checklist on the kind of behaviour you might want to put a stop to:

1 Wear polo shirts with the collars up (you're not a student anymore)

2 Try an experimental haircut (especially one that requires excessive gel or maintenance)

3 Boast about your O/A Level results (that B in physics hasn't exactly been life-changing, has it?)

4 Live with your parents (obviously)

5 Take your washing home to your parents (even if your mum does insist she's still upset that you've recently remedied No 4)

6 Put anything in a clip frame (you might as well have posters on your wall)

7 Eat Pot Noodle with half a loaf of Happy Shopper bread as your main meal (OK, only occasionally)

8 Sleep on a futon (it's time to get a proper bed)

9 Own bed linen you had at college

10 Make pained noises when you bend or sit down (save it for when you're over 60)

11 Pretend you like hip-hop (be honest, you don't)

12 Invite your friends over and "entertain" them by mixing records (you're not a DJ, the summer of love is long gone and you're incapable of mixing drinks, never mind "choons")

13 Use the words "choon" or "largin' it" (ahem)

14 Run out of ice

15 Drink Diamond White, Aftershock, Hypnotiq or 20/20 (with or without ice)

16 Queue to get into a club (Even your mixing is preferable)

17 Take ketamine (it's a horse tranquiliser for God's sake)

18 Run out of loo roll (particularly in light of No 17)

19 Visit Santa Claus at Harrods (especially not on ketamine)

20 Check the washing machine for the booze stash at parties (someone will see you, so buy your own)

21 Be sick at parties (you won't remember doing it, others will)

22 Get off with the office junior or intern (ditto)

23 Have a nickname for your penis (we don't want to know, and nor does the office junior or intern)

24 Come too quickly (understandable only if you have ignored the above and nicknamed it Flash or Trigger)

25 Sport love bites (Roll-necks in summer - dead give away)

26 Wear football shirts (unless you're actually playing)

27 Buy football programmes and store them in clear plastic sleeves (an early sign of Asperger's)

28 Stay over with friends (unless you live at least 15 miles away)

29 Buy cheap shoes (unless you're a minicab driver)

30 Make new friends (far too much like hard work)