Do you want to know something quite depressing? Right now, right this very instance, there are approximately 6,203 French Bulldogs making more (way more) than a lawyer's salary because they're 'Instagram famous'. French Bulldogs can't even grasp the most basic principles of housing or contractual law, and yet they're making bank just because they have cute inbred faces, little bat ears and legions of dog-loving followers.
Unfortunately, you are (probably) not a French Bulldog. So the only way you're going to be able to quit the daily grind and make it big on Instagram is to become a human #influencer. Because - also quite depressingly - there are countless 16-year-olds who take photos of themselves in expensive trainers and do well enough out of it that they'll never understand the pain of a morning commute.
Applying a better-late-than never attitude, here are the essential strategies that will guarantee your success in the hyper-competitive world of #streetwear.
Do it for The Culture.
Do it for The Fits.
Do it for Yourself.
Hide Your Face At All Costs
We're not sure whether if it's because the medium's biggest stars want to retain a sense of mystery, make their clothes the focal point, or whether when your entire sense of self is based around a slavish obsession with logos you tend to feel a little bit insecure about exposing the imperfections of your face.
Whatever. What we do know is that if you want to make it big in this game, you better not look at that camera, bro.
Squat
Standing or sitting on chairs is for losers and Dads. You're either squatting in a tracksuit like it's Leningrad, October 1982, or your fit's a brick (bad).
Post Generic Rap Lyrics Under All Your Photos
"Colin!"
"What, Mum!?"
"Colin, I'm on your Instagram and under a picture of you in your nice new jacket it says:
B*tches on me, say she like my clothes. I'm in London, Young Carti global Designer is on me, call it dirty laundry.
"..."
"Colin, I am not very happy about this. You're 13. You need to stop hanging around those boys who wear the t-shirts. I'm worried about you listening to all that music."
"Shut up Mum! It's for The Culture"
Ignore Colin's mum. She's never going to be an influencer. Everyone knows that your fit pic isn't complete unless your post contains some form of trap lyric as the caption, just to prove that you are indeed an extremely cool guy.
Do All Of Your Posing In Corner Shops
Obviously you'll do your proper Sunday shop in Waitrose, but all of those colourful drinks that look a bit like San Pellegrino (but cheaper) are great for your semi-ironic, working class background aesthetic that is definitely not insincere.
You've watched La Haine and Kids twice each, after all.
... Or Find An Old BMW
If you've been banned from every corner shop in the general Chatham area because you keep on knocking over all the drinks and blocking off the aisles with your increasingly-elaborate lighting set-up, then your next best bet is to somehow source one of those pre-1999 BMW's that Frank Ocean uses pictures of for his album art sometimes.
Those are cool.
Buy A Mask, But Made Out Of Trainers
That feeling when your sneaker rotation is so heavy that the only way to fit them into your looks is to pay someone to chop them up and turn them into a mask. A mask that's made out of those nice trainers that you'll never be able to wear again.
Because they're a mask.
Master The Outfit Grid
You, naked but for a pair of Supreme boxer shorts, standing woozily on a chair in your kitchen at 7:37 am because that's when the light is best, training your new £1,500 DSLR on your outfit for the day, unsure why you're doing this, but feeling like this is what people want, right? People want this? Want your t-shirts and limited edition trainers, but in grid form? You've got your phone in one hand desperately googling Young Thug lyrics because your mind's gone blank and you've already gone through all of 21 Savage's discography.
This is what they want, right?
