He's come undone

Every saturday a sartorial crime is being committed beneath the nation's very noses. We're not talking moose-knuckle revealing trousers on Strictly, nor the X Factor's interminable shiny grey suits. Rather, it's the sudden influx of footballers donning the unbuttoned shirt look.

In short, it's sloppy. Though Alan Shearer is easily singled out, it is, in fact, an epidemic. Be it Andy 'Andrew' Cole, Lee Dixon, Dwight Yorke or Alan Hansen, every week we're confronted by a bevvy of lonely top buttons, never to meet their intended holes.

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If we were generous, we'd suggest that this is perhaps the result of the footballer workout. Most players end up with thick necks and slim bodies, meaning most off-the-peg shirts just don't work.

But we're not generous, and as we all know, that's what bespoke shirtmakers are for. And given that many footballer's salaries match the annual budget for the entire British royal family, we'll accept no cries against the inflated expense of going bespoke.