1 | Try an experimental haircut. (Especially one that requires excessive gel or stencils).
2 | Wear football shirts. (Unless you're actually playing).
3 | Boast about your O/A Level results. (That B in physics hasn't exactly been life-changing, has it?).
4 | Put anything in a clip frame. (You might as well have a Pulp Fiction poster on your wall).
5 | Eat Pot Noodle with half a loaf of Happy Shopper bread as your main meal. (OK, only occasionally).
6 | Pretend you like hip-hop. (Be honest, you don't).
7 | Invite your friends over and "entertain" them by mixing records. (You're not a DJ, the summer of love is long gone and you find it hard enough to mix drinks).
8 | Queue to get into a club. (Even your mixing is preferable).
9 | Run out of ice.
10 | Take ketamine. (It's a horse tranquiliser for God's sake).
11 | Buy football programmes and store them in clear plastic sleeves. (An early sign of Asperger's).
12 | Check the washing machine for the booze stash at parties. (Someone will see you, so buy your own).
13 | Take your washing home to your mum. (You should be bringing her presents bu now, not bin bags).
14 | Sleep on a futon. (It's time you went up in the world).
15 | Drink Diamond White, Aftershock, Hypnotiq or 20/20.
16 | Own the same bed linen you had at college. (Not cool. Or safe).
17 | Get the night bus home. (You could spiral into an existential depression).
18 | Stay over on friends' sofas. (Unless Uber's gone offline).
19 | Buy cheap shoes. (Unless you're a minicab driver).
20 | Be sick on a night out. (You won't remember doing it, others will).
21 Wear polo shirts with the collars up. (You're not a student and you don't live in Fulham).
22 | Get off with the office junior or intern (ditto).
23 | Look up old girlfriends on Facebook. It's borderline.
24 | Leave a giant pack of loo roll on show in the bathroom. (Along with a showerproof AM radio and the entire Lynx Africa range).
25 | Have a nickname for your penis. (We don't want to know, and nor does the office junior or intern).
26 | Come too quickly. (Understandable only if you have ignored the above and nicknamed it Flash or Trigger).
27 | Sport love bites in the office. (Roll-necks in summer – dead giveaway).
28 | Describe that rudimentary 'spag bol' recipe you've been trotting out since you left home your 'signature dish'.
29 | Make new friends. (Far too much like hard work).
30 | Make pained "ahhh" noises when you bend or sit down. (Save it for 60).