For all the coverage calling it explosive and shocking and revelatory and all the rest of it, Netflix's Harry & Meghan doesn't half take its sweet old time. We're three hours into the thing, and only halfway in the grander scheme, and the pickings for anyone looking out for spicy tidbits were slim.

And apart from anything else, you are a busy, busy person. Do you have time for another three-hour investment in your crowded social and cultural schedule? You do not. You've even less time for a three-hour perambulation around the backstories of these two.

But it's definitely going to come up at some point in the next week or so, in the pub or at work or around your flat, so here are the only bits anyone's going to be chatting about.

Harry isn't proud of the Nazi costume thing

Harry gives away a lot more in these first three episodes than Meghan does, though having been extremely famous and particularly daft in his late teens and early twenties, that's perhaps not surprising. The notorious party he went to as a 20-year-old was a big one. "It was probably one of the biggest mistakes of my life," he says. "I felt so ashamed afterwards. All I wanted to do was make it right." That involved chatting to a Rabbi in London and meeting Holocaust survivors.

No, the curtsy thing is not a big deal

We've dealt with this elsewhere. Topline: Markle wasn't taking the piss out of the Queen, and people who are pretending otherwise are being – ahem – a little obtuse.

That guy with the owl

The couple's first official engagement together following their engagement was in Nottingham, where they were greeted by crowds including a man whose sheer charisma blows away everyone else. He's an old man, with big glasses and a baseball cap. And an owl on his arm.

"Harry’s brought his bird to town," he twinkles, "so I brought mine."

GIVE. THAT. MAN. A. SERIES.

The dog wearing two casts

Around the time that they got engaged, Harry and Meghan snapped a selfie with their dog where he's wearing two casts on his front legs. Never explained. Poor bastard looks like he's in a Tom & Jerry cartoon.

The engagement do sounds a bit naff

If you ever get jealous thinking about the lives of luxury and endless good times the gilded set enjoy, think on the shindig Harry and Meghan had to celebrate their nuptials.

"We had a little engagement party, and everyone was dressed in animal onesies," explained their mate Lucy. "Meg and Harry were in matching penguin onesies (see artist's interpretation above), because penguins mate for life. And they were so sweet, and we had so much fun." Big Freshers' Week 2014 vibes.

Harry's got a list of things he fancies

One of the tantalising dangling threads left by this documentary is the revelation that Harry's got a list of things he was looking for in a partner which, it's implied, is actually written down somewhere. What's on it? He gestures at Meghan: "This is the list." Smart answer. But seriously: what's on it.

David Olusoga and Afua Hirsch are very, very good

The third episode opens up the topic of the Commonwealth and its roots in the dog days of the British Empire. With help from Olusoga and Hirsch to map things out and make clear exactly what that means to people who lived under British rule, this is the bit which most feels like an actual documentary. They link it all up to the British monarchy, and in pithily putting their points across they give the whole thing some much needed drive.

Meghan's poetry is quite something

There isn't very much in the way of warts-and-all-ness to Meghan's backstory here (and given the abuse she generally gets, it makes sense not to invite more) but then we hit the poem she wrote as a teen about how tricky it was after her parents' divorce.

"Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that bad / But oftentimes it makes me sad / I want to live that nuclear life / with a happy dad and his loving wife," she recites, apparently from memory. There's more, but we shall draw a veil.