Every few years, a new actor breaks onto the scene during festival season and steals the hearts of everyone there. Remember little Jacob Tremblay in Room? We loved Jacob Tremblay. And last year, Timotheé Chalamet gave a breathtaking performance in Call Me By Your Name. I even fall back to the year that Hailee Steinfeld dazzled audiences as a tough, impressionable girl in True Grit. All three of these youngsters earned Oscar nominations for their work.
This year, that breakout star is Chris Pine's dick.
Kicking off the Toronto International Film Festival is Pine's movie Outlaw King, which appears to be about an outlaw who is also a king. Pine plays Robert the Bruce, who is crowned King of Scotland and then exiled. Then Bob the Bruce leads a band of scoundrels to reclaim the throne. Think of it as like a really bloody Goonies, but with cool accents. But in this Game of Thrones-esque cinematic offering, critics are saying the real scene stealer is Chris Pine's penis.
Variety went as far to say that the film, which is headed straight to Netflix, might be used by the streaming giant as a way to lure in customers. That's a bizarre claim because to anyone who's ever seen a penis knows that it's not getting the "Most Attractive" high school superlative. But then again, this is apparently no ordinary penis. This penis is putting in the work—you know, the kind of penis you'd like to have give a brief toast at your wedding. Good for him.
Vulture writes, "It’s a level of nudity you don’t often see from male movie stars, and quite frankly, it makes Justin Theroux look like Buffalo Bill." Who really knows what that comparison means, but to be frank, Pine's packin'. Jezebel, which is on record as pro-Pine, fully endorsed the two quick scenes that reveal it.
It turns out, however, that the film is a bit of a snooze, and it really relies on co-star Aaron Taylor-Johnson to do the heavy lifting. But make no mistake: there are two noteworthy Johnsons in this movie, and if the early reviews are any indication, they're both huge stars.
Justin Kirkland is a Brooklyn-based writer who covers culture, food, and the South. Along with Esquire, his work has appeared in NYLON, Vulture, and USA Today.
