Sometimes, something small just ruins your day: stubbing your toe, or accidentally stepping on your cat's tail, or the existential dread of waking up and realising that America is being governed by a man who believes international relations are best conducted in 280 characters or less. And then sometimes, it's Kellyanne Conway singing Taylor Swift on Fox News.
Earlier this week, after "You Need to Calm Down" won two Video Music Awards including the Video for Good award, Swift took to the stage and commented that her petition for the Senate to recognise the Equality Act had reached over 500,000 signatures—well beyond the threshold of the 100,000 signatures needed to warrant a comment from the White House. When that was mentioned to Kellyanne Conway this morning on Fox News, she pivoted and made perhaps the most polarising move of her four-ish years. She sang. It starts at 12:50 in the video below. I'm sorry.
Commenting on how much she loved "You Need to Calm Down," she offered her version, singing, "If you say it on the street, that's a knockout. If you put in a Tweet, that's a cop out." A) Why. B) Of course that's the lyric she chose. C) Why. Like a tethered from Us, Conway gave her best Swift impression before the Fox News host redirected Conway back to the question. Conway's explanation as to why the Equality Act has stalled in Congress was riddled with phrases like "poison pills" and comments about how Marsha Blackburn still won a Tennessee Senate seat after Swift campaigned against her. You know, irrelevant filler.
But the immediate sin here is the singing. We spent so long asking Taylor Swift to come forward and put her voice into politics, and yet, we never considered that it could end up with Kellyanne Conway twisting her lyrics into political fodder on Fox News. How short-sighted of us. Now I'm stuck with the auditory hell of Kellyanne Conway using off-key head voice for the rest of my life. I hate this world. I hate what we've turned into.
All of this is to say that in a world where Republicans and the Trump White House insist that celebrities should stick to singing, acting, etc. and stay out of politics, I would like to put out a plea that Republicans stick to attempting to govern and stay out of singing. That includes Kid Rock and Ted Nugent. And for the love of God, Kellyanne, stay away from "Cornelia Street."
Justin Kirkland is a Brooklyn-based writer who covers culture, food, and the South. Along with Esquire, his work has appeared in NYLON, Vulture, and USA Today.
