1 | "Did you come?" If you don't know whether or not I did, I definitely, definitely did not.
2 | "My ex used to…" You know what else your ex used to do? Have sex with you. You know who is sleeping with you now? Me. You know who is beginning to reconsider continuing to sleep with you? Still me.
3 | "Do you usually take a long time to have an orgasm?" Do you usually take this long to find my clit? Because if so, then sadly yes.
4 | "I never go down on women." And I never sleep with men who say that, so win-win! And that also reminds me of the just-as-bad variation of this…
5 | "I don't usually go down on women, but I'll make an exception." So you're usually a selfish, vagina-fearing weirdo but this one time, you're going to suck it up and brave my genitals? LOL, bye.
6 | "Don't worry. Most women I've met can't have orgasms." Yeah, this isn't a coincidence. You've probably been bad at having sex with all of them. The common thread is you.
7 | "How do you even work this bra?" I'm not saying that every guy has to be great at taking off every kind of bra, but please don't tell me you don't know how to "work it" like it's the controls on a spaceship and you're an ape. Neither of us is in ninth grade anymore (and yes, I double-checked your license to make sure).
8 | "That's not how I usually do it." Look, when someone else is touching you, it's never the same as when you touch yourself. Usually it's better, sometimes it's worse, but just say, "Can you do it like this?" so we don't feel like we have to literally become you in order to be good enough.
9 | Anything remotely related to your parents. I had a guy who, before we even got out of bed, talked about how he couldn't wait to call his mom. Bro, my underwear are across the room and your junk is still hard. Maybe cool it on the mom mentions.
10 | Another woman's name. I am not Rachel Green, so please do not Ross Gellar this for me. It will not end well for either of us, just as it did not end well for them.
11 | "Condoms don't feel good, do we have to use one?" Not at all. You can go home instead. No condoms needed.
12 | "Oh, I actually use Magnum condom." Haha. No, you don't though.
13 | "This might hurt a little, since I'm pretty big." Seriously, who raised you? Elves who hate women?
14 | "Uh, you're a feminist but you like [insert submissive position or sexual act here]?!" Yes, it is possible to love the way something feels and also feel like equal pay and being allowed to make choices about my own body should be things. I know, it's bizarre!
15 | "What are you thinking about right now?" Well, I was getting lost in the moment so that this sex could be fun for both of us but now I'm thinking, I'm seriously dating someone who asks questions like that during sex.
This article was originally published on Cosmopolitan