But who do we, the beautiful boys and girls of Esquire (according to a non-biased study involving all of our mums), look to when we're in need of romantic inspiration? And expertise? And guidance?
Answer: this extremely horny tortoise.
Say hello to Diego – a 13 stone giant tortoise who, according to the Metro, has managed to save his entire species from extinction by fathering over 800 offspring.
A little backstory: Diego was taken from San Diego zoo five decades ago and transported to the Galapagos Islands, assumedly because his swinging ways fostered some John Tucker Must Die-style animosity amongst the zoo's female population.
It was hoped that he would breed on the Espanola island, where only two male and 12 female members of the Chelonoidis hoodensis species were still alive (and were too spread out to breed).
The rest, as they say, is slightly disconcerting tortoise sex-related history.
Washington Tapia, a tortoise preservation specialist at Galapagos National Park, said: "He's a very sexually active male reproducer. He's contributed enormously to repopulating the island.
"We did a genetic study and we discovered that he was the father of nearly 40% of the offspring released into the wild on Espanola."
Teach us your ways, Diego, you glorious, majestic perv.