Watch Former Chelsea Flop Oscar Spark A Hilarious Brawl In The Chinese Super League

What the f**k is going on here?

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On a hot night in Shanghai, Oscar lies perfectly still on a football pitch, chaos erupting around his prostrate form; looking like the focal point of some second rate Renaissance painting where the holy men and heretics have been replaced by Brazilian mercenaries and native squad players.

But why?

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Well, that's what happens when you boot the ball really hard at your opponents and then drop like a dead possum as soon as you're confronted about it, as the £60million former Chelsea man discovered, having totally lost his cool during Shanghai SIPG's 1-1 draw against Guangzhou R&F yesterday.

"Why did I leave Chelsea?"

"What am I doing here?"

"Mother?"

These are the thoughts running through Oscar's mind as he tumbles into a dew-laden grave while the two teams, including substitutes, physios and kit men, clash furiously around him. "I just wanted to play some park football and get paid. Why is this happening?"

Spot the Oscar

Incredibly, Oscar didn't even get booked for his role in the fracas (can you get booked for just smacking the ball at other players?), which makes it pretty much the perfect crime.

The PERFECT`crime.