Do you remember, back in 2009, when Robin Van Persie was still brilliant at Arsenal, but his ligaments were made of soft cheese? Remember he went to see that mad doctor in Belgrade to rub horse placenta on his knees in the scarcely believable hope that it would somehow address the fact that actually his knee ligaments were made of camembert?
That was an odd story, wasn't it? But it's nothing compared to this bizzaro humdinger in which Porto have accused their fierce rivals, and Portuguese champions, Benfica of bribing a witchdoctor in order to stop him from cursing the team.
No amount of horse placenta can top this.
As reported by by Observador in Portugal, Francisco J. Marques, communications director for Porto, says that he's seen an "e-mail exchange between Benfica president Luis Filipe Vieira and Dr. Armando Nhaga, the 'National Police Commissioner of Guinea-Bissau'," which is is said to have contained a threat of sabotage from Nhaga to stop Benfica winning a fourth Primeira Liga title in a row unless he was paid for his assistance and the help of an unnamed person referred to as "The Master in Lisbon."
Apparently Nhaga initially claimed he tried to help Benfica win the league in the 2015/16 season and that he was owed €75,000 by the club. Vieira denied Nhaga's demands as he was unaware of who the Doctor even was (how rude), but apparently was open to a new deal.
Vieira then supposedly asked Dr Nhaga if he could work his very legit magic and help Benfica win their Champions League last-16 tie against Borussia Dortmund back in February, which prompted the good doctor to send through a price list for his services.
€5,000: victory in the Super Cup
€100,000: victory in the Championship
€10,000: victory in every match of the Champions League group stage
€30,000: victory per Champions League knockout game
€1,000: victory in each match of the Portuguese Cup or League Cup
€5,000: victory in the Portuguese Cup final or League Cup final
Incredibly, Benfica lost 4-0 in the second leg to Dortmund. When Vieira emailed Dr Nhaga afterwards so find out what went wrong, he replied: "Whoever was dealing with it did not do it in the right moment. The Master in Lisbon waited for the communication and when they did, it was late."
Marques then claims that "The Master of Lisbon" was none other than Dr Nhaga's brother.
Oh how the plot thickens.
To us it looks like one of the biggest names in European football has literally fallen for a 'Nigerian Prince' internet scam.
2017... what the fuck?