Is Valentine's Day the most irritating day of the year? Is talking about whether Valentine's Day is the most irritating day of the year, even more irritating? Whatever, here are a few suggestions on how to dodge it completely: 1 Fulham v Chelsea
What could be less romantic than an ill-tempered and error-strewn West London derby? Fulham have won their last three league home games and Chelsea desperately need a win to put their flagging season back on track. Nil-nil it is then. Sky Sports 1, 8pm
2 Comedy - The Horne Section
Comedian Alex Horne, a man kind enough to have documented his time at last summer's Edinburgh festival on this very website, is currently performing his musical and comedy revue at London’s Lyric Theatre, featuring a rotating spot of funny men including Mark Watson, Tim Key and Paul Foot (the one with the extraordinarily bad hair, as featured in our current issue). www.alexhorne.com
3 Exhibition - ‘The Urethra Postcard Pictures’, White Cube Mason’s Yard
The ‘living sculpture’ duo’s new exhibition is the perfect remedy to valentines day. Each picture consists of 13 cloned postcards set against a geometric take on a urethra. In a patriotic nod, images of Big Ben and the union jack appear alongside adverts for sexual services.
4 ‘Frankenstein’ – National Theatre
The most anticipated play of the year has opened for previews this week. Starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Jonny Lee Miller (who will alternate the role of Victor Frankenstein and the Monster) and directed by the little known Danny Boyle, this is sure to be a chillingly gothic valentines evening. Unfortunately your only chance of getting a seat is queuing for a return.
Leave The King's Speech for the awkward couples and let Jeff Bridges' grizzled marshall in True Grit be your date instead.
Words by Jonathan Davis