22 Guaranteed Ways Not To Get a Pay Rise

Whatever you do don't:

TRY TO APPEAR TOO BUSY
…unless you want to look like you’re struggling to cope

ARRIVE AT WORK SIX HOURS LATE
…accompanied by a policeman

GET CAUGHT BY YOUR BOSS AT THE URINALS
…murmuring ‘Come on, do it for Daddy’

KEEP HARKING ON ABOUT THE PREVIOUS BOSS
…and how smoothly things ran when he was in charge

OFFER HIM YOUR SPARE TICKET
…to a bare knuckle boxing fight in a local pub car park

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START TELLING YOUR BOSS WHAT HE DID AT THE WEEKEND
…where he went, who he saw and what he put in his dustbins

TURN UP FOR DRESS DOWN FRIDAY
…wearing snow camouflage fatigues

GET CAUGHT TRYING OUT YOUR BOSS'S CHAIR
…without your trousers on

WRITE A BLOG
…giving away enough details about the drudgery of your office life that it doesn’t take a genius to work out your boss is the subject of Working-4-a-wanker.com

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TURN UP FOR YOUR NEXT ONE-ON–ONE
…wearing a bluetooth headset, interjecting throughout – “Sorry, I’ve really got to take this”

INSIST YOU NEED A PAY RISE IN YOUR NEXT APPRAISAL
…because the price of good cocaine has recently shot up

GIVE YOUR BOSS A LIFT HOME
…in a vintage Maserati

DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOUR MANAGER
…and continue, despite the fact the expressions on the faces in front of you suddenly change and the room goes deathly quiet, because he’s behind you

GET CAUGHT FAST ASLEEP
…face down in a puddle of your own wee wee. In his office

OFFER TO WRESTLE HIM
…naked

ASK YOUR BOSS WHETHER HE FANCIES A POST-WORK LIVENER
…then pull out your crack pipe

COMPLIMENT THE BOSS ABOUT A PHOTO OF HIS WIFE
…and tell him you wouldn't mind ‘a go’ on her

PARK IN YOUR BOSS'S SPACE
…while your boss's car is still parked there. With a monster truck

TELL MUSLIM CLIENTS AND COLLEAGUES
…that 'fingers crossed Iran will be next'

FORGET TO EDIT THE HOLIDAY SNAPS
…so he gets to see you enjoying an intimate dinner date at a Bangkok Go Go Bar

GROW A HITLER MOUSTACHE
...as a physical manifestation of your organisational drive

ASK FOR A PLUS ONE FOR THE STAFF PARTY
…and turn up with Stuart Hall

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