Esquire's Alternative Olympic Medallists

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Some awards for London 2012 don't need a podium. 

The John Terry Award for most conspicuous Gatecrashing of a Celebration

Games volunteer Madhura Nagendra, dubbed the 'Woman in Red' after standing at the head of India's Opening Ceremony parade. She later apologised calling it an "error of judgment".

 

The Human Bridge Award for Conspicuous Heroics

Sir Steven Redgrave, who couldn’t help himself from dragging anyone British out of their boats at Eton Downey. He Ain’t Heavy, He’s a Rower.

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The 'You’ve really got to be good to perform in sunglasses, especially when it’s cloudy' Award

Martin Rooney, GB 400m runner, eliminated in the 400m heats.

 

Most appropriately dressed pundit

Michael Johnson. A good line in smart but not too smart. It’s only athletics after all.

 

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Most innapropriately dressed pundit

Colin Jackson. Flying in the face of every style rule in the book, with disastrous consequences.

 

Most Innapropriate Way of Expressing National Pride

German International Olympic Committee (IOC) member Walther Troeger

 

Most likely indicator of national dress sense from an opening ceremony outfit

Belarus

 

The Silver Medal Has Two Faces Award

US hurdler Dawn Harper in ecstasy (left) at coming second in the 100m hurdles, while Brit rowers Zac Purchase and Mark Hunter consider throwing themselves in Dorney lake.



The Back-Handed Compliment Award

Usain Bolt on training partner Yohann Blake: "He works harder than me, but I knew what I needed to do and I have great talent.”

 

The “I’ll get my Towel” Award for Most Dramatic Exit

Alexander Feck

 

The Erik The Eel Award For Least Dramatic Exit

Rower Hamadou Djibo Issaka from land-locked desert nation Niger. "I have no technique," Issaka said, with refreshing honesty.

 

Most Glib Disregard for Geographical Accuracy

BBC cycling commentator Hugh Porter: “Zhang, who’s from over there in China”

 

The I thought You Used to Be in How I Met Your Mother Award

Long Jumper Greg Rutherford/Actor Neil Patrick Harris

 

Pundit Most Deserving of a Medal of Her Own

Clare Balding. From lynchpin at the Aquatics Centre through the equestrian in Greenwich, via open-water swimming in Hyde Park and even the bull pit atmosphere of boxing at the Excel, Balding has put in a virtuoso display - informed, enthusiastic, human.

 

The Coleman Balls Award For Utter Confusion

"Usain Bolt won the 100 metres in 9.63 seconds. The only other person who's run faster is himself." BBC News Reader

 

Most Dangerous Loss of Bodily Fluids at a Medal Ceremony

400m hurdler Felix Sanchez.

 

The “Why Did I sign up to Watch Everyone Else in the GB Team Win Medals When I’ve Won Zip Award

Mark Cavendish, who was forced to sit and watch the GB gold rush in the Velodrome.

The Don't Know Who You Are But You're a Pretty Good Pundit Award

The bespectacled and eloquent Jamie Staff, also in the velodrome (above right)

 

The Richard Hammond lifetime achievement award for most reckless use of a statement shirt

John Inverdale, also notable for his absence of a neck.

 

 

The Beyond The Call of Duty Award

Bad trackside reporter turned bad psychotherapist Phil Jones, forced to counsel a string of despairing athletes who's dreams have just been smashed: "There's Always Rio in 2016".

 

Most Mis-judged Level of Emotion in a Post Race Interview

Rob Walker with gold medallist Ben Ainslie, turning it up to 11 and getting short shrift.

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