A holiday, that's what you need. A lovely, hot holiday where you can wear shorts and eat three ice creams a day and start drinking at 11 in the morning, but preface it by saying, "It's five o'clock somewhere, right!?" and then chuckle to yourself. You do this every day for the whole week and yet, somehow, it never stops being funny.
But a normal holiday isn't for you, oh no. There'll be no Barcelona city break or easy jaunt to the Algarve here.What you, and we, and every human being with opposable thumbs and an Instagram account needs is a 'trendy' holiday. An I N holiday. A holiday where people at work will say "Oh, that's very cool", with barely disguised bitterness and envy.
So in honour of every person at every barbecue this summer that'll tell you how you haven't lived until you've been to Lisbon, here's what your choice of oh-so-trendy 2017 vacay really says about you.
What you think it says: I HAVE TRANSCENDED BERLIN. BERGHAIN LINES UP FOR ME NOW. I AM QUITE SIMPLY TOO COOL FOR BERLIN, PEASANTS.
What it really says: You care far too much about what other people think of your life choices.
What you think it says: Why would you pay so much money to fly across the world when there's so much beauty on our door-step?
What it actually says: In a moment of madness, you have forgotten that rain exists. You think you are more powerful than God, and you will be punished with seven wet days of Boggle and terrestrial TV.
West Texas, USA
What you think it says: You're a modern day cowboy, strutting past abandoned oil wells and Fifties-style Texaco garages until you find a dimly-lit desert bar. A little bell rings when you open the door and a kindly old man with a weathered Texan face says "Ain't from around these parts, are ya?" when you take a stool next to him. Think of the anecdotes!
What it really says: You're stumbling through the desert and you haven't seen another human being in 24 hours, which you're kind of glad about because they all had guns anyway. Just take a nap in that sand dune, mate. It'll be alright.
What you think it says: You're here to put the sea back into cerebral, immersing yourself in the rich dockyard culture of Western Europe's oldest city (and enjoying a bit of sun while you're at it!)
What it really says: You're banned from every beach in Spain after an awkward, one-man attempt to wee on your own Jellyfish sting got picked up by national news cameras.
What you think it says: You're such a big Game of Thrones fan that you're willing to go on a actual pilgrimage through the show's locations, proving once and for all that your rambling, incoherent fan theories are worth listening to.
What it actually says: You picked up a travel magazine at the dentist that's three years old and it said that Croatia "Was all picturesque pebbled beaches, lapped by crystal clear water and bustling old towns." But you've just been lapped by your 10th 50-deep city tour and now you're a bit stressed... and why are there so many sunburned Brits here? I thought this was I N?
It is nice, though.
What you think it says: Intrepid, rugged, brave adventurer takes to the icy north, tackling mountains, geysers, volcanoes and harsh tundra. Alone you must conquer this strange and foreign land, undiscovered by the cruel and ruinous tentacles of popular tourism. It's a good thing no one has found out about this place yet...
What it really says: You and 10,000 tourists wallowing with each other in the Blue Lagoon, wondering whether you're enjoying this or whether you're secretly miserable and this is all just a distraction from wider issues that you're not quite ready to address.
Lovely photos, though. Lovely, lovely photos.