Anthony Weiner's latest sexting scandal has us talking about dick pics again. Vox even did this insufferable explainer on what they are (hint: a picture of an erect penis). "A dick pic," writes Vox, "while often a flirty exchange between consenting adults, can also be seen as a form of harassment." It seems that tied up in our very definition of dick pics is the idea that dick pics are somehow menacing, especially when heterosexual women are on the receiving end. But to regard men sending dick pics to women as a fundamentally violent act ignores the fact that many straight women actually love (and request) dick pics.
"Many of Weiner's messages show him bragging about his manhood and shamelessly lusting after the woman," said the New York Post when it broke the story. But between consenting adults, sexting should be shameless. The notable thing about Weiner's sexting scandal isn't that sexting is bad or wrong; it's that Weiner is a public figure who almost compulsively behaves in a way that inevitably causes a scandal, and that this was extramarital sexting in a presumably closed partnership. Aside from betraying his marriage—a relationship we actually know little about—there's nothing fundamentally wrong with Weiner sending dick pics.
Solicited and unsolicited dick pics fall into two entirely different categories that too frequently intermingle. An unsolicited dick pic is seen as an assertion of toxic masculinity, a small act of violence, a reminder of who's in charge. "The first time someone asked me for [a dick pic], I remember being surprised, because I always associated them with predatory behavior," Jack*, 25, tells me.
But the solicited dick pic embodies a much kinder (and hotter) masculine sexuality.
As a culture, we sexualize the female body more frequently and loudly than the male body. And the line between "sexualizing" and "objectifying" is murky. Objectification is an inevitable consequence of sexualization, and it doesn't always have to be a bad thing. The tit pic can serve as an act of female self-objectification, an assertion of one's hotness. The dick pic, then, serves as a friendly reminder that men can be sex objects, too. The dick pic gives women permission to straight-up lust for cock. It's a portrait of a man sexualizing himself in service of a woman.
The notion that it's unthinkable for a woman to solicit a dick pic erases a woman's desire for male bodies, while also desexualizing men. "Every woman I've ever dated or female friend I've asked about dick pics has said that they don't like them," George*, 26, tells me. Steve*, 23, speculates, "In general, I'd say male genitals don't turn women on."
But plenty of straight women actively like dicks. Studies suggest that men are more aroused by visual stimuli, while women get off more on feelings and emotional bonds. But that doesn't mean women can't be aroused by visual stimuli. Statistics vary, but one study by Marie Claire found that one in three women watches porn. Pornhub found 24 percent of its site visitors are women.
Sarah*, 26, explains that she likes dick pics when she has long-distance flings with guys. "It keeps the sexual momentum going when you can't physically be near each other." In this sense, dick pics can help maintain an emotional connection, helping you feel sexually close to someone even if you're physically far away.
Still, many women like dick pics not just for emotional reasons, but because they're a turn-on. Anna*, 30, explains, "If I'm going to get off thinking about riding a dude, then I want to know exactly what I'd be sitting on. I want to be able to imagine how a particular dick will feel, versus porn, which is just a random dick I'll never interact with."
While I cringe at the assertion that dick pics can be empowering for women, they certainly can make women feel powerful. Dick pics are evidence of your partner's lust for you. While a tit pic can be fired off at any time, regardless of whether a woman is aroused, the dick pic requires more effort. Jamie*, 26, explains that it feels "inherently exciting to know that somebody else gets so excited about me, my body, my face, my voice." That sort of excitement can make a woman, at the very least, feel good about herself.
But it extends beyond just knowing you turn a guy on. Georgia*, 26, puts it like this:
When a guy sends you a picture of his dick, he's looking for you to approve of his dick. I like feeling important enough that men are seeking my approval, especially of something that is so fundamental to them as their dick.
There's something uniquely vulnerable about the dick pic that sets it apart from the tit pic. Sexting in general requires a lot of trust, and as Weiner clearly demonstrates, that trust is easily breached. Primary sex characteristics are far more mysterious than secondary ones. You have no idea what a penis looks like until you see it—as opposed to boobs, where you can get an idea. Since size is valued in our culture, there's a fear of not living up to expectations.
Dick pics can convey intimacy and power for the same reason people automatically associate dick pics with harassment—they're a raw portrait of masculinity. But when solicited, the dick pic gives straight women an opportunity to celebrate their desire for that masculinity. And there's nothing wrong with that.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
