By If there is one thing we have learned from a year of Zoom, it is that you cannot simply start a conversation between a huge group of people and hope for the best. Chaos reigns whenever it's invited into the group video call, which is exactly what we saw at the Golden Globes last weekend.
The virtual ceremony was awash with technical problems, from someone accidentally muting Best Supporting Actor Daniel Kaluuya to connection issues filling speeches with excruciating lags. There's really no excuse for any of it at this point – we've all been doing this virtual working thing for almost a year now – so the person in charge of setting up the Academy's WiFi should really remember to run a test or two ahead of the big day.
But glitching screens and silent stars aren't the only issues that kill the Oscars' vibe. We can't be precisely sure what the pandemic situation will look like in LA come 25 April, but since the ceremony will almost certainly take place at least partly on video feed, here's how the Academy Awards can avoid Zoom doom.
Get rid of the unblinking faces
In a long list of dystopian moments at the Golden Globes, the photos of the nominees who hadn't turned up staring unblinking as they lost was one of the most haunting. Just look at Jodie Comer's furious glare at losing to Emma Corrin. Given it is at most illegal and at best frowned upon to have plans at the moment, if you can't make room in the diary to find out if you've won an Oscar, then you're not invited to the Zoom. Sorry, we don't make the rules.
Lean into the fun of the backstage
The weirdness of the pandemic means that you can now see your colleague's husband crawling across the floor thinking this makes him hidden from view while they carry on talking unaware. Making celebrities work from home is one of the only ways to make them seem vaguely like normal people, giving us a peak into the corner of their mansions they deem acceptable to show the world. Some of the nicest moments of the Globes ceremony were seeing people's pets and children coming into the frame, making famous folk feel, dare we say, human? Then there were those like Rosamund Pike, who did her acceptance speech from what we assume is a hotel but appears to be a section of the Starship Enterprise.
Give the poor slebs something to talk about
There is a reason we have all been chipping away at our dignity piece by piece doing quizzes on Zoom and that is because the chaos craves structure, otherwise it's just delayed shouting and undirected questions hurled into the abyss. The Golden Globes kept the nominees for each category in breakout rooms, which they would then cut to for some heartwarming chit-chat. But with no prompting, the potential award-winners had no idea what to say and we no idea what they were talking about. While we're not suggesting a round of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire between Gary Oldman and Riz Ahmed, perhaps calling on people to talk about their favourite films or actors they've worked with might give things some structure. It's also such Hollywood navel gazing the Academy might actually go for it.
Leave the dress code open to interpretation
Nobody needs to get dressed up for their living room, but nobody should feel bad about themselves if they want to do so. Although unintentional, one of the best things about the Golden Globes was their surreal mishmash of tie-dye hoodies and black tie, beanies and ballgowns, which lent the ceremony a very 'you do you' air. We are past the point of needing people to demonstrate their value with their looks, after the year we've had, even Bill Murray is happy to put on a Hawaiian shirt and call it a day.
Encourage consumption
We're not going to say that David Fincher doing shots every time he lost an award should be a blueprint that the Oscars force nominees to follow, but we're not going to say it wouldn't make for an infinitely more enjoyable ceremony either.
Give the losers some privacy
The aforementioned, dreaded breakout rooms at the Globes continued as the winners were making their speeches, as if the torture of losing an award at home, in front of your family, while being broadcast to the world, wasn't already enough. The Oscars normally have cameras on all nominees as the winner is announced, allowing us that delicious moment of drama, before swiftly cutting to the winner. There is no need to divert from this to anything so cruel as forcing someone to smile manically throughout the speech of someone who beat you.
Ditch the fake red carpet
The Oscars without the bustling drama of the red carpet will be sad, but going the way of the Globes and having a few (fairly random) celebrities walking a mostly empty red carpet only served to highlight what we were missing. Many stars have been creative with turning their home into the red carpet and posting shots online for recent ceremonies like the Emmys, something which feels like making the most of what we have rather than pining after what we cannot.
Hire a host, quickly
Every Zoom needs a host. No really, you literally cannot hold a Zoom meeting without someone hosting, proving the need for someone to take charge of maintaining order. The ceremony might have got away with ditching a host in recent years, but we need someone to steer the ship through these choppy waters. I'm sure Spike Lee has some thoughts on the Academy and would love a free mic to get them off his chest.
Don't hire the producer who muted Daniel Kaluuya
Although we imagine he might be looking for a new job.
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