By After nearly two weeks of the World Cup, we're getting a feel for the personnel and tactics, the surprise packages and the big-name duds who will define this year's tournament. We refer, of course, to the ongoing match between the ITV and BBC punditry teams.
This time, ITV went big to bring in Gary Neville (along with most of the playing staff of Manchester United between 1992 and 2006), the former England right-back who has done as much as anyone to modernise football punditry in recent years. The Beeb, meanwhile, have stuck with Alan Shearer to carry the flag for old-school pundits and say things like "pace, power, technique, desire," sounding less like a piece of analysis and more like a tagline for 'Shearer For Men', the new and immediately discontinued fragrance by Alan Shearer.
So, which team is ahead as the tournament reaches its crunch period? We break it down.
Banterrificness
You wouldn't trust them with an eight-part Netflix series, admittedly, but the big revelation of this World Cup has been the strange alchemy which makes Ian Wright, Slaven Bilic and Roy Keane so watchable. Certainly, Wright implying that England manager Gareth Southgate dislocated his shoulder with an unfortunate masturbation injury is a true high point in ITV's history. Even Keane liked it, looking around with the secret smile of a hardened hitman who's glanced up from a freshly despatched body to see an old woman fall into a bin on You've Been Framed.
By contrast, the BBC's most banterous moment was a Shearer-Lineker hug in the style of the understandably emotional Panamanian broadcasters who heard their national anthem sung at a World Cup for the first time. Lampard managed a polite "uh-her". Far too kind, Frank.
BBC 0-1 ITV
Worldweariness
ITV have a bit of a monopoly on this one. Roy Keane remains the doyenne, especially with his assessment of Jerome Boateng's 650-pair shoe collection ("well, he can't be right upstairs"). However, he's been ably backed up by Henrik Larsson, who hasn't laughed since September 2003, and Slaven Bilic, who looks like Benicio Del Toro playing a down-on-his-luck pulp fiction author from the 30s. Indeed, Bilic's verdict of, "To be honest, I don't care," on a penalty shout is a punditry all-timer. But while a brutal assessment of an inept performance can be thrilling, this is the World Cup. It's the best thing there is. Keep your vibe-killing real-talk for the FA Cup sixth round.
BBC 1-1 ITV
Incidental crassness
Patrice Evra's extremely patronising applause of Eni Aluko's punditry should make this a tap-in for the BBC. However, they do have serial offender Whispering Phil Neville. You know that kid at school who never stopped playing with that app where you could pretend to neck a pint of Carling by tilting it sideways and lied about how he'd flown a helicopter in cadets? That’s Phil Neville.
He's been full of dubious nonsense. He's trotted out the old line about African teams being ill-disciplined. He's said that Uruguay's fans want to go "further than they've ever been" in this World Cup despite having won it in 1930 and 1950. He said Paul Pogba's biggest strength was his personality. Then, after Japan v Senegal, when Pablo Zabaleta explained the cultural significance of maté tea as a signifier of respect and friendship and offered some to fellow pundits, Didier Drogba thanked him in Spanish while Neville said it was disgusting and that it was just hot water with a straw in it. It was weirdly Brexit-y.
BBC 1-2 ITV
Style
Ian Wright dresses as he pundits: at huge volume and using heart more than head. All the other men dress like junior Tory ministers visiting a failing hospital.
BBC 1-3 ITV
Belief that football is coming home
Football is - I don't know if you've heard this - coming home. It's coming home. It's coming. It's not there yet, no, but basically football has finished its 9.30am pint in Moscow airport, picked up a copy of the Telegraph for the free bottle of water from the WH Smiths and begun to board the flight Home.
The BBC and ITV have read the room and are scrambling to see who can be the most certain. Wright and Neville on ITV have gamely tried to hold their end up, but have been severely bodychecked on the matter by Keane, whereas Ferdinand, Lampard, Shearer and Lineker were unbridled in their slightly tragic enthusiasm after the Panama game.
BBC 2-3 ITV
Actual insight
It's nice to get a bit of professional opinion in among the shenanigans and mateyness, and Eni Aluko and Alex Scott have both been well-informed, concise and confident in their analysis. Gary Neville has been exactly the coup ITV were hoping for, while Bilic helps to situate everything in its broader world football context. Ferdinand and Lampard have both been good on the BBC - Frank polite but firm, Rio wide-eyed and insistent like he's explaining a conspiracy he saw on thecentrebacktruther's YouTube channel after three pints. It's close, but the Beeb edge it.
Final score: BBC 3-3 ITV
New signings
The raft of first-timers are what really separate ITV and the BBC. On the Beeb, Alex Scott has been the breakout star, while Cesc Fabregas' Partridgean safari shirt and slightly catty insights into current internationals have added spice. Matthew Upson's quietly carried on his safe, third-tier-Match-of-the-Day-pick routine, even if his saucer-eyed lean back into his chair makes him look like he can see through time. And though Drogba's sudden baldness is shocking, he's an erudite guy. It's all been quite air-conditioned, quite PwC away-day seminar, but generally quite good.
Gary Neville and Juventus forward Eni Aluko aside, ITV have struggled. Evra caused a small diplomatic incident, Ryan Giggs told a gripping story about the time Carlos Queiroz called him 'Giggs' rather than 'Giggsy' and Martin O'Neill's offered very little to touch his sublime bodying of Robbie Williams from France '98. Then again - the rest of civilisation's been unable to match that in the last 20 years.
Final score: BBC 4-3 ITV
