In January, or sometime before Covid, lots of fashionistas were wearing these Bottega Veneta boots. Suddenly, men that had previously identified as sprezzaturan eleganzos, or defined their world view with workwear brands and high-contrast sports kit channelled their inner Morpheus and took the streets of the fashion capitals in tight leather combat trousers, dramatic overcoats and the Bottega boots.
It was the micro beginning of a macro trend. As SOON as we’re allowed to leave our houses again, the streets will tremble with lads and lasses stomping about in bombastic booties, mark my words. And please feel free to join in. The key to the trend is proportion. The aforementioned style dudes wore their Bottegas with skinny-cut trousers, or even shorts, to accentuate the profile of the shoe – tight at the ankle and vast at the sole, so your feet look as though they have mushroomed out the bottom of your trouser leg like shaving foam from a can. But others, such as A$AP Nast, have recently taken to wearing theirs with regular, baggy trousers. I have the legs of a history teacher, so I would have to opt for the latter, but if you want to go full-Keanu, please do.
(And if Bottega is a stylistic/financial stretch, cast your eyes toward Arket, which is generally the best source of nice, affordable things just the right side of trendy. Alternatively, there are chunky chelseas at Givenchy, Eytys, Rick Owens, Gucci or Jil Sander, among others.)
But all this talk is but a tributary into the raging river of the real question at hand: does the perfect boot exist? In my experience, there’s always a compromise. The sole has the right level of chunkiness, but there’s too much decorative stitching on the upper. Or the proportions of the upper are just right but the sole is too thin (the most common problem of all, I’d say.) Maybe the boots are 95 per cent perfect, but they have multicoloured eyelets like what Tracy Beaker would wear. Maybe they cost more than a month’s rent. Maybe they cost less than a Boots meal deal. See for yourself, but that all-day-breakfast-triple will probably offer your feet more protection.
I want boots that are going to see me through the next 30 winters, getting more tattered and handsome with each passing frost. I want boots that I could wear on Dartmoor and to dinner at a place with a cheese trolley. Those demands mean that, unfortunately, suede is out of the question. These Yuketens, for example, are a thing of beauty, but I’d be scared to leave the house in them. To that end, I think anything with a leather sole is out, too, which essentially discounts all classic Chelsea boots.
And if it’s OK with you lot, for the sake of functionality, I’m going to remove desert boots, chukka boots and jodhpur boots from the running, too. I love desert boots and have a quiet, solemn respect for chukkas (Jodhpurs can fuck off), but neither shoe screams ‘I’m ready for the end times!’, does it? These days, it feels as though we’re only one bowl of pangolin soup away from The Road, and I’d like some shoes that can stand up to all the ruptured tarmac and acid rain.
By that logic, you’d think I favoured a slip-on construction, so I could have my boots on in a flash for when zombies puncture the perimeter fence (and to be fair, perhaps the best Armageddon shoe is, in fact, a Bottega boot), but I find myself leaning toward lace-ups. I want to be able to lash my feet in and know the boots won’t come off when I’m running for my life (however, I won’t bore you with the details, but I just went for a run in a pair of Blundstones and was presently surprised by their performance, so my logic is probably flawed.)
Moving away from the reckoning, I think lace-up boots generally trump slip-ons in the style stakes, too. They add to the patina that builds over time, and they offer a sort of aesthetic texture which I’m too ineloquent to describe and embarrassed to discuss further. In the past, my favourite jeans (RIP) would rest on the knotted laces at the top of a pair of Timberlands that I no longer own, and it was a serendipitous marriage that I have struggled to replicate. Perhaps I’ve had better things to do.
In terms of colour, black is the only salient option. Battered brown boots look ace with blue jeans, but little else, and if you want one perfect pair, then black is the better bet. It tends to go with everything, I find. I like a bit of texture on the leather, so a pebble grain or nubuck may be a consideration, but don’t worry about it too much. You’re going to be wearing these boots for years, so they’ll form their own patina soon enough.
According to one colleague, the solution to this footwear conundrum is a four-word phrase: Eighties German Police Boots.
I’ve done some Googling and I can report that he has a point. They are an iconic, vintage creation; a boot that is at once comfortable, mean, dependable and sleek. They’re easy enough to find on eBay or at some terrifying surplus store, and they’re cheap. But I don’t want some old copper’s boots, I want my own. And I want to tell people that they were made in Northampton, with leather from some rarefied tannery, on a sole that you can only source from Japan. Function is important, but I want something a bit faaaancy, too.
So, with all the above considered, the options are refreshingly straightforward. You want a laced, textured-leather work boot on a wide, cleated/rubber sole with colour-matching lace eyelets. They can’t be too sleek – the toe needs to be fairly rounded, but not so much that it’s bulbous – and I’d swerve broguing, but that’s just my taste. These by Dries Van Noten are pretty much bang on, as are these by Church’s. But if I had to pick ONE boot, it would be pair of Dr Martens. They are high quality, high style, high character boots with a minimal price tag and a history interwoven with that of UK culture itself. The classic 1460 shape is iconic, but the 101 would do the job just as well. DM also makes this special edition of the 1460, which is probably the one shoe that manages to incorporate everything I’ve mentioned above.
Alternatively, you can just go to Prada, where pretty much all the boots are excellent. Especially these. And there’s always the Bottegas, which are perfect for now. Just don’t expect to be invited to any upcoming walking holidays.
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