How Pretentious Is Your Toothpaste?
If it's not 'cooling spearmint eucalyptus' flavour then we don't want to know
There's an epidemic happening within the millennial world: posh handwashes, object d’art fragrances, three-wick candles and cashmere blankets are populating their homes, despite many having to skimp on their fresh vegetable intake to afford to do so. The contents of their homes suggest their hard work has resulted in a healthy savings pot, their bank balances do not.
Many fall victim to these purchasing habits for two reasons. Take the Aesop handwash as a prime example. One: it’s a cool brand that says enough about your personality before opening your mouth. Two: it’s a bloody nice handwash. And so its hardly surprising that the once mundane act of brushing your teeth has become elevated by luxury toothpastes of the same aspirational ilk.
While some aren't extortionately overpriced, they’re luxe in the sense that you won’t ever see them as part of a Clubcard offer. But they do say a lot about the person that owns it – and if you’re seeing any of the below list in the bathroom of a Hinge date, take this guide as a free fortune telling of their personality.
Marvis
If Marvis was a person, they would epitomise a Real Housewife of Clapton. Perello olives would sit in their pantry, magazine tomes would clutter their coffee table and a Lost Mary would always be within reaching distance.
Marvis is purposely enticing this crew, with everything from the Marquis logo, to the art-inspired IG posts and the flashy website of a graphic designer’s dreams. Earl Grey isn't a fancy caffeinated pick me up, but a toothpaste flavour – case in point. And if your postcode starts with the letter E, then resistance is futile – you’ll be giving praises nearly as much as a pack of Torres truffle crisps.
£9; cultbeauty.co.uk
Officine Universelle Buly
Imbued with a je ne sais quoi that comes naturally to the Parisian perfumery, Officine Universelle Buly will have Francophiles naturally gravitating towards its eclectic 19th century vigour.
Farmers market finds will be carried in wicker basket bags – probably filled with the apples that inspire this flavour – and their homes will look like a more organised section of a flea market. French words will be pronounced perfectly and dispersed into everyday conversations. They’ll probably look at your bang average oral care routine with the type of disgust a Parisian waiter often has when serving English-speaking tourists.
£21; selfridges.com
Selahatin
This Swedish brand is a one-to-watch within the dental sphere, having already won many over for its sleek Scandi-infused design. And with an emphasis on invigorating the scent and taste senses – Blue Forever has a zesty mix of lime, citrus, salt and peppermint –Selahatin leaves its customer base with plenty to talk about. It’s that indie band you hope doesn’t become mainstream (it will), has you talking about at parties with pride because “you were one of the first discover them” (you weren’t) and “you’ve followed them for yeaaaaars” (more like six months).
Bite
Do you know someone that frequents zero-waste shops and will glare at you for picking steak at a restaurant when they have the dairy-free, meat-free option? Then they’ll know about Bite. The zero-plastic brand creates tab toothpastes that you throw in your mouth and, you guessed it, bite into. Expect to find a collection of Greta Thunberg’s books on their bedside table, and the Berry Twist flavour to be in the cabinet of allotment owners.
$8/month; bitetoothpastebits.com
Twice
Lenny Kravitz is a rockstar with predilection for big scarves and banging teeth, and while we're yet to see an eponymous accessories line, he has offered a solution to coffee-stained gnashers with 'Cooling Spearmint Eucalyptus' flavours.
With a holistic approach to oral care, Twice users will appreciate and embrace the dual lifestyle of a spiritual musician. Expect meditations on the transformative effects of ayahuasca and Headspace on Sundays, while Friday seems them ordering another bottle of red wine when the bottle before the current one was meant to be their last.
£19.95; fruugo.com
Aesop
You can’t have a list of pricey lifestyle products and not include the Australian brand, and you can’t own their toothpaste without having tried any of their other products. There will be plenty of amber-tinted Aesop bottles scattered around their bathroom, and if this person doesn’t find themselves scoffing at the price of a central London pint, they probably don't refill the handwash with a supermarket equivalent – that deserves a second date, at least.
£11; aesop.com
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