Back in the old days, parents didn’t feel guilty about anything. It didn’t matter what you did – give your kid Big Macs for breakfast, chainsmoke in the car with them, semi-deliberately plant the seed of any number of harrowingly irreparable lifelong neuroses deep in their hearts – because, hey, they’re just kids.

How different things are now. To be a parent in 2019 is to walk a flaming tightrope of neverending shame and judgement and guilt. You’re constantly reminded that every decision you ever make will have far-reaching and disastrous consequences for you, your child and the world at large. But does any of it hold water? Welcome to the definitive ranking of parental shame, 2019 edition.

Single Use Plastics (tat edition)

An awful lot is made about the amount of straws and carrier bags that we as a society unnecessarily churn through every year. However, to my mind, not enough space is dedicated to the real villain of the single-use plastic world: the Bullshit Plastic Crap That Gets Sellotaped To The Front Of Children’s Magazines. You know what I mean. You’re dragging your screaming toddler around a supermarket, and the only way to shut them up is to buy them a magazine that has a cheap plastic Octonaut toy gummed to the front cover. Not only will your child never actually read the magazine itself, but the Octonaut will break after three seconds and end up in the bin, destined to choke a sea creature to death three months from now. These magazines are the worst thing about being a parent, and you should feel terrible about yourself for buying them.

Shame rating: 10/10

New clothes

This is a relatively new one, although no less valid. Mary Creagh, head of the government’s Environmental Audit Committee, has started going after ‘fast fashion’; cheap clothing that’s worn a handful of times before being discarded to landfill. It’s an important issue, but you’re a parent. Everything you buy your child is inherently disposable, because they’ll outgrow it in a matter of months. However, you can assuage your guilt by buying clothes from a sustainable eco-friendly brand. Or, if you’re not literally the richest person who ever lived, hand-me-downs also work.

Shame rating: 8/10

Single Use Plastics (essentials edition)

Toys aside, your child probably still gets through a ton of single-use plastic. Disposable nappies that don’t decompose for hundreds of years. Fruit Shoot bottles that literally take half a millennium to disappear. Every day, with every move, your child helps to choke the environment a little more. Should you feel guilty? Of course you should. But, on the other hand, I’ve tried reusable nappies and they’re fiddly and smelly and literally involve a bucket of shit. So why not make a compromise by cutting down on the single-use plastic you use instead? Buy a metal drinks bottle and a reusable coffee cup and at least you’ve done something, you animal.

Shame rating: 7/10

Screen time

I’ve been through this before. Screen time is only really a problem if it comes at the cost of everything else. If it ruins your child’s sleep, if it stops them communicating with you, if it stops them from ever going outside, then screen time is probably a bad thing. But letting your kids watch YouTube on an iPad while you cook their dinner is fine. If people tell you otherwise, poke them in the eye.

Shame rating: 4/10

Working

As far as I’m able to tell, 90% of the internet is either made up of articles about parents who feel guilty for working, or articles telling parents that they should feel guilty for working. I cannot state this clearly enough: fuck that. Parents should never, ever, ever feel guilty for working. Sure, in an ideal world you’d stay at home all day and devote your life to the magic of watching your children grow. But if you did that then a) you wouldn’t have any money, b) your children wouldn’t understand the hard work and sacrifice that went into raising them, and c) you’d go absolutely barmy and your brain would start dribbling out of your ears. If anyone makes you feel guilty about being a working parent, poke them in the eye and throw them down the stairs.

Shame rating: 1/10

Having kids in the first place

I used to write about being a parent for a website that allowed reader comments and, oh boy, people sure like telling you that humanity is plague. To some people, just the simple act of having children is the greatest crime a person could ever commit. It’s irresponsible, they say. It’s selfish, they say. All life ends with death, and only a monster would dream of bringing anything into the world that is guaranteed to ultimately die, they say. It’s a bizarre take, but it exists. If anyone makes you feel guilty about your decision to have children, poke them in the eye, throw them down the stairs, set them on fire and tell them that the only people who shouldn’t have had children are their parents.

Shame rating: 0/10