I was 27 and irritable. My then boyfriend, who was just one eye roll away from visual impairment, advised many things. Get a new job. Get in the sun. Get in the gym, you absolute fucking oaf. “Oh whatever”, I said as I ripped through another pack of chocolate Hob-Nobs in front of Bargain Loving Brits in the Sun. After all, it was my understanding that the only people who prescribed exercise for mild depression were anti-vaxxers, or people moneyed enough for an Equinox membership, thus having nothing to be sad about at all. There was no way physical activity could outrun manmade mood stabilisers.
But I was out of options and, against my better and falser judgment, inside a gym. It was hard. I ached, and I gassed out, and I didn’t want to end up going viral on a cruel YouTube account that digitally crucifies those that don’t know how to use the apparatus. I went the next day. It was just as hard. And the day after that, and the day after that, and almost every day after that. I also slept easier. I lost weight. I was even a little nicer, and people noticed because I started making them breakfast again. But unlike the gorillas in the mist of the changing room, I was not getting bigger. The running was quicker and the lungs felt cleaner, but the muscles? Still depressingly adolescent.
Eat more, said my one monstrously ripped friend. Not Hob-Nobs, STUPID. Protein, he cried: chicken, and broccoli, and beans, and spinach, and all the other things that contain amino acids which, in turn, promote muscle growth. Eat protein every three hours, and eat 30g of the stuff; anymore, and your fragile digestive system will put it down the toilet. Any less, and you won’t be a thicc boy – and boy, did I want to be dumb thicc, as the funny Instagram people like to say.
He recommended protein powder, and I (unfairly) called basic. There was something sickeningly performative about the faux mixologist by the water fountain, the bopping of the head to some hellish Ibiza dance classic as a milky, weird elixir rocked back and forth in its goblet (which almost always had to be branded with some overpriced gym that they no longer attended). I could just bang in the chicken and broccoli. I liked cooking. I wasn’t going to start guzzling protein shakes and shaving my armpits. No siree.
But for men above average height – for most men, in fact – consuming enough protein for optimal muscle growth is very, very difficult. It's especially hard for the skinny guys that struggle to put on weight never mind the complex addition of hard and lean muscle. I ate so much that I forgot what it was like to be hungry. My colleague wretched as I forced down yet another boiled egg at my desk. This was unsustainable. The gargle of a protein shake grew louder. So, I too took to shaking it like a mad man (though in the comfort of my own home).
Deciding what to shake however, was difficult. There are too many options, with too many influencers, with too many conflicts of interest. There’s too much science. There’s too much cost involved. There’s too much opinion from anyone and everyone I know. I figured that, yes, if I wanted to be the dumb thicc boy my slothful self would’ve laughed at but one year ago, this was to be a Personal Journey. I had to decide for myself, away from the overwhelming science, and the bro chat, and the bulk.
And here begins the skinny guy’s guide to the best protein powder – a definitive ranking of each and every muscle-building supplement that my stomach has met, and judged accordingly by three metrics: taste, efficiency and results. I’m absolutely nowhere near himbo material just yet. The trash TV and snacks and general lethargy remain. But these days, I’m not quite so skinny.
Courtesy Whey Protein 360 (£20.99) at theproteinworks.com
Best For: Skinny guys that just want to get the job done
Lured in by a ‘flash sale’, I took a leap of faith in pared back branding and went for a simple sack of whey protein (which, by the way, is a mixture of proteins that are largely found in dairy products). After shaking, mixing, stirring and, at one point, even blending the recommended scoopage into water, lumps bubbled to the top. Not ideal. But, if you are looking for a quick, cost-effective fix post-gym, Protein Works is a straight-forward choice.
USN
Best For: Getting a cocktail of muscle-building ingredients
It's slightly alarming to drink something with HARDCORE stamped across the top in WordArt, but USN’s Muscle Fuel works. Branded as an all-in-one, the powder packs 55g of protein per serving (which is a silly amount), alongside 5g of creatine, an organic compound that has been linked to improved strength and endurance during workouts. Yes, the flavour is a little American mall in Nowheresville, 1999, but if you want to fire on all cylinders, this may be your best choice.
MyProtein
Best For: Building muscle on a budget
If you’re that guy who sneers at MyProtein, you’re not my kinda guy. Because although this economical option doesn’t taste all that great, it’s affordable, and easy, and a democratic option for men who aren’t much concerned with an exact science (which is most of us). Don’t expect a god-like nectar. But drink enough of it after successfully crunching at the gym, and you can at least expect god-like arms.
Courtesy Whey Protein Isolate (£29.49) at storkz.com
Best For: No frills protein powder
While MyProtein is the go-to for many on a budget, NutriCost is another no-frills option that, arguably, tastes a little better. The flavours are few. And the word-of-mouth reviews. But so too is the contents list, which makes it a solid option if you don’t want to ingest a protein powder that shares way too many ingredients with a bag of Haribo Tangfastics.
Optimum Nutrition
Best For: Overnight protein
Unlike whey, which is the protein that comprises most powders, casein works a little differently. It releases amino acids at a much slower rate, making it an ideal choice between workouts or just before bed, so your protein intake can tick over as you go under. Optimum Nutrition sits in a happy place between cost, taste and results, but know that it only comes in four flavours (no weird Sicilian tiramisu protein powder for you, sunshine).
Optimum Nutrition (Part Two!)
SHOP
Best For: Serious bulking
Another entry from the same brand, but this stuff is heavy duty. If you’re a skinny guy that is struggling to gain weight, Optimum Nutrition’s Serious Mass can add bulk in a matter of months. There are a couple of caveats here, though. One: this will not give you lean, clean muscle. It’s made to make you real doughy. Two: you need to be working out regularly, otherwise you’ll be adding nothing but fat.
Bulk Pure Whey Isolate 90
Best For: Building muscle while avoiding fat
Generally speaking, skinny guys need to cling onto every calorie possible. But, if you are looking to shift weight and carve muscle, Bulk Pure Whey Isolate 90 has 27g of protein in every 30g serving, making it a low fat, low carb choice.
Form
Best For: Vegans
Whey and casein proteins are derivatives of dairy. That means it doesn’t agree with everyone. So for those with precious bellies (or for those that would just like to keep things a little greener), Form’s protein is totally vegan and made from brown rice, peas, hemp and algae extracts. Sounds like drinking a pond, actually tastes OK, and besides, it's nice to have a protein powder that doesn't scream "GAINS" in your face.
Foodspring
Best For: A soluble, tasty, effective protein shake
Germany: bad at gas imports, but really, really good at protein powders. Local outfit Foodspring makes protein powders (among many other products for ardent meatheads) that are effective, easy-to-make and, most surprisingly, pretty delicious. So when tubs come with a ‘salted caramel’ label, they don’t taste like a salted caramel bath bomb. The only downside is that it comes at a premium, but you are paying for grass-fed protein.
