Top five gym changing room no-nos

We here at Esquire like to keep trim, if only to counteract the endless biscuit and Minstrels supply in the office, but we've noticed some astonishingly odd behaviour from fellow male gym-goers once they get in the changing room and out of sight of women. If you do any of the following, you're making a fool of yourself. Stop it. Now.

1 You are supplied with a perfectly good towel with which to dry yourself. Never use the gym hair driers as a substitute. It is blindingly obvious to all that you are merely using this extended time in front of the mirrors to admire the fruits of your workout.

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2 Speaking of which, do not stand in front of the mirrors and "flex". If your triceps look like they could take on a small nation all on their own, we're happy for you - but be warned, all that work to look good is being ruined by rampant vanity.

3 If you need a hair brush, by all means use one [we recommend the peerless Mason Pearson Hairbrush, £50]. On no account use more than one brush at a time. Spending more than 10 minutes teasing your barnet into a perfectly coiffured creation with some dual-action styling is not seemly.

4 Do not use straightening tongs. Ever. Have you no shame?

5 Never attempt to start a conversation with a gentleman while he is in a state of undress. However, if you must, at the very least wait until he has his shirt, boxers and socks on correctly before issuing your opening gambit - and ensure this remark is never along the lines of "nice abs".

Illustration by James Graham